She looks like Sharon Stone if she were a housewife in Ohio.

Regarding people who pay $200 to go to da club on new year, and bachelor parties: The perfect compliment to those things is songs that are played in such places, that have lyrics like 'tonight we're having such a good time', 'this is the best night of my life', etc. So it's a bunch of people singing and dancing to how…

I somehow convinced my dad to take me to see titanic in theaters when I was 9. He had seen it once already with my mom. He got through the boobies ok but when the car sex scene came up he was like TIME TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. I was having none of it and sat defiantly through the whole thing. I think he is still…

iono - you've seen the clip of kreayshawn freestyling? watching both of their freestyling attempts back to back feels like dante's 5th circle.

I'm crying at my desk right now. "Iggy iggy bo biggy" got me weak as fuck.

ok im just gonna leave this here again

EVEN I HAVE A SOME FAKE ASS RHYMES SAVED UP JUST IN CASE SWAY ASKS ME TO FREESTYLE!

i also can't watch this video because i'm embarrassed just knowing this happened.

"a custom duvet cover depicting, on one side, his kids..."

Apparently Santa brought Madonna an orgasm for Christmas.

i have like, restless life syndrome. i usually have underpants dance parties. also there's always booze, as you clearly know well. sometimes i plan outrageous trips in my head...sometimes i just daydream a whole new life. not that i'm totally unsatisfied with what i have, but you know. like what if i was a scuba…

Delete his number from your phone and take out the battery and put it in the trunk of your car. I am also very emotional and have had to do this a few times. Or give the phone to a friend to prevent drunk dialing.

I've literally been asked when I'm settling down and getting kids countless times. This has been me all freaking day. I LOVE MY FAMILY!!!

God she is such a stunner. And I know like in my brain that she has a TEAM of makeup people to assist but her eyeliner could straight up cut someone. Confession- if I won the lottery tomorrow, I would spend every penny on a makeup artist to keep my liner that sharp.

this. like, it was extremely well crafted, well written, none of it was wrong- and i can't stress how well i thought it was written, good word choice, compelling language, loved that bit. it was just...not a strong thesis?

Probably not if that's the way they specifically would like to be referred to as.

Explain to me why they're always in my gay bars.

WHERE HAVE I FUCKING BEEN???