um

you puritans are so uptight about sex! there is nothing wrong with a little rub ‘n ‘tug ‘n threaten ‘n panic ‘n resign. get with the groove, squares

cats...invented Anthony Weiner? its all coming together now.

yes that is the joke we’ve been making, but im talking about her actual age

he is easily my #1 teen. my #2 teen is Willow Smith and my #3 teen is Ariana Grande. i have pictures of all of them

The thing about me is that I don’t care that anyone stood or didn’t stand for the goddamned national anthem. Sorry, but I fail to see how this minuscule act of rebellion and the 10,000 dumb opinions im consequently exposed to are series of events I’m supposed to care about. It’s not that I don’t care about the…

this is a joke post, right? Huma’s divorce is incredibly important because now she is free to join Bill and Hillary Clinton in the polyamorous relationship theyve been conspiring and the good lord will rain hellfire on this previously-great nation. look at Louisiana. coincidence? God doesnt believe in coincidences.…

Christie argued more employees would be replaced by automated androids and humans would be sent to work in the slag mines to provide themselves the meager sustenance of super-sized warf rats, before an invasive alien plant species saps the life-force from every mammal on the planet. Christie plans on investing state…

housing is fine in Brooklyn, you can get a bedroom in a co-op for like 250k. its just like college, trade your dignity for the ability to live. non-traditional, sure, but where else would you get the experience of living with a coke dealer and a 66-year-old deaf person at the same time? books have been written about…

this is what a post-Brexit UK looks like. theyre probably hoarding gold and non-perishable food too, bracing themselves for the terrifying Muslim invasion that’s sweeping Europe. theyre not about to let some goddamn foreigner take the queen’s jewels and probably use them in an anti-white terror ritual

i saw them back when they opened for LCD Soundsystem and theyre fantastic live, as good of a set as LCD

hahaha what’s 100,000 dead civilians compared to giving poor people basic healthcare. Obama is some sort of monster. i bet God doesnt even talk to him

i think the night of is extremely accurate. dumb choices are like 95% why people go to jail. and 95% of non-jailed people make dumb choices constantly, theyre just not in jail. example: everyone forever everywhere. i dont know how we are all still alive

HA very curious timing. Huma Abedin divorces her husband at the same time ISIS exists? very curious. someone should look into that. a lot of people are talking about Huma Abedin and ISIS and Weiner. i have been talking about Weiner for years, and now ISIS and Huma Abedin? something is going on here. im sure someone…

and after Bannon, Trump’s campaign will be managed by an actual rabid cat. “He has the frothy vigor that the campaign needs right now and is prepared to rip our enemies to shreds. I respect that. There’s urine everywhere, but not as bad as when Lewandowski was here.”

um im pretty sure bill clinton also fucked things that weren’t moving. or animate even. like watermelon. bill clinton has def fucked watermelon and other fruits. 100%

oh yeah it's right there. i was too busy dreaming of my new band, Bone Canyon

so like, they’re retrieving these bodies, somehow, right? or is the canyon slowly filling with bones? Bone Canyon is a good band name.

um now that gawker is dead can we please see more jez articles about the inaccurate valuation of tech companies and its implications for this country’s economic future? the financial projections of a our growing, unemployed labor force and how that relates to immigration policy? the dynamic relationship between the…