“Maybe they’re at the...library?” — U of A professor, before putting a gun in mouth

Those poor Bama players. Who wants national titles when you could be cheered on better during a complete blowout?

Sure. The money is definitely better going to Paul Allen. He needs it much more than the guy putting his health on the line on the field.

The greatest joy I felt during last year’s NFL season was watching the Bears-Packers Thursday night game with the UK announcers. They use British words instead of American words!

... shit, this would’ve been a better Family Feud joke than a Jeopardy joke.

I want my boys coddled.

The White Sox minute is a lot darker than I remember.

Oh, it turns out the doctor was his mother, and the reason she couldn’t operate was she had puked and pissed on herself.

Yeah, this part of the third paragraph felt vomited up too:

Anyone else need some kind of diagram or power point to clarify who did what and how they were related in the Letter of the Week?

Or he could start Jameis and let Khalil Mack and the Bears defense solve the problem for him. 

When did Scott Bakula coach the Browns?

As a die hard Chiefs fan I hate you and respect that comment

Mahomes has a good shot to get the Chiefs back to the AFCCG so they can lose due to Andy Reid’s shitty clock management skills

During the first half, I kept thinking that Mahomes and the Chiefs offense is like a cheat code in a NFL game. During the second half I concluded that it was okay as the Chiefs defense is a cheat code for the opposing team, so it balances out.

Cowboys at Seahawks: It’s genuinely sad to watch the Seahawks right now. I know Pete Carroll deserves it. ... I hate it. I can’t watch them.

NFL players are required to dress to the highest levels of professionalism. NFL coaches can look like they eternally forgot to do their laundry before leaving the house. No subtext there that I can detect.

Or more deservedly, a hard swift kick to the taint.

Your penis is a small, pale, withered thing. Hardly used, it sits in eternal darkness … deep, deep down within the folds of your ample gunt, crying out for oxygen as it suffocates in a mix of sweat and Crisco and rendered beef fat.

Imagine being older than 15 and describing yourself as a “stoolie” unironically. It’s breathtaking.