He wants to spend more time with his hair, guns, family. In that order.

For the sake of America's comedy industry: I hope you are right.

"Every citizen is now required to own a gun at least this big."

• Got beat by a girl.

Can anyone make this out? "Survivors"?

Yeah, I thought this was old news. The helmets were introduced a few years ago as a non-surgical correction for viscoplastic plagiocephaly.

Does this say "nard stage"?

Those miracles are weak. WEAK! Saints used to deliver sermons while being roasted alive 'n' shit like that, then beaming straight up to heaven amid an angelic chorus.

They may as well add me to the 'site. I haven't worn an Earth Crisis shirt since 1995.

Yeah it's a little submissive.

HAHAHA He was almost our president.

Will it have a men's auxiliary?

"I also have a script that searches the internet for instances of 'x causes y', then it posts 'CORRELATION DOES NOT EQUAL CAUSATION', because this internet stuff is important."

A good example of internet-try-too-hard. We all do it from time to time, I guess. If this was a face-to-face conversation, there would be no accusations of "fallacious articulation" or any bullshit like that; they'd just talk it out.

This is soon to be the most-viewed video on the Christmas present iPads of cranky grandpas everywhere*!

Dogs with jobs are extra cute!

Well, I hope those jocks learned a valuable lesson about, I dunno, "teamwork" or "not underestimating your opponent" or something like that.

Then he read the kid's emails. He has a birthday party coming up, he likes dinosaurs, and is a member of the Muslim Brotherhood.

The TASTE. Maybe add 'brush teeth' to the list.

I used to have terrible 'bangovers' after metal shows. The combination of thrashing and beer/shot/beer/shot drinking just makes you a wreck, and you don't do anything preventative because having a righteous hangover is METAL.