These are all good tips! Though I probably won't remember them when I am, ya know, drunk. Maybe a tattoo?

Cut off some oversized Zubaz; you now have the ugliest culottes.

Huh.

What about names that were also days of the week? Is appropriating geography for this babby name any worse than appropriating temporality?

Hypercute names are for animals who need adopting, not humans who presumably have been born into families already.

Well, my eyeballs are puking tears of pure goodwill for the little tot who is destined to be OUR NEXT PLANETARY OVERLORD AND KEEPER OF THE SACRED SHRINE OF ST. DISICK.

D'AWWWW HE THINKS HE'S PEOPLE

"Congratulations! It's a white male with a trust fund."

Yeah! And why won't they report on all the women (? - presumably) who weren't assaulted!? STUPID BIAS MEDIAS

"With so few details, it's impossible to piece together a comprehensive picture of what occurred"

This picture is now the cover for the LL Bean catalog.

...then he went back to DC and pushed legislation in Congress to sell that river to a mining company and, why the hell not, end welfare.

Abortion restrictions may exist, but no one has ever actually been here.

"I AM LAID LOW BY THE MATRIARCHY"

Does it feature any jokes about guns and PMS? BECUZ LOL SO TRUE AMIRITE

Looking at porn RIGHT NOW.

"MEN IN ZIP-OFF CAPRI PANTS ARE MORE ATTRACTIVE TO WOMEN ON DAY TWO OF THEIR PERIOD, STUDY FINDS."

Yeah, I'm deaf as fuck, too.

The best reason for not filing a police report is when you yourself were doing something illegal when the crime happened, so the "girlie" explanation is not just vomit-inducing but suspicious.

NKOTB? Please.