"You Sure Did A Thing For Some Reason, Internet."

Uh… depending on what definition of "race" you use… kinda yeah? Race is a genetic classification (albeit an incredibly weak, arbitrary one), not a national one.

You don't want to read? Aww, it's okay, there are plenty of great audiobooks and highly entertaining beer commercials out there to keep you occupied.

This leads to the horrifying dilemma of whether we should get you a show to keep you from having kids, or make you have kids to keep you from getting a show.

And even better, now we have a bunch of boring commenters whining about it. I'm glad Jim could inspire you to such new levels.

Another case cracked by the AVClub Armchair Detective Agency:

So… more ten-minute-long chicken fights. But they're in space.

Prediction: someday you're going to prove red is green and get killed at a traffic crossing.

Indeed, standards have lowered so much for "heroism" that all you have to do to be a hero these days is, well, not leave idiotic comments that pretend a perfectly common and well-established metaphor like "rock hero" becomes some kind of dog whistle for hypersensitive leftists the moment it's used to describe a…

Did you get the cheap dopamine rush you needed from your conflict addiction?

You're using the laziest debate tactic on the planet. "Ha, boy, you sure are still talking to me!" If the best argument you have is that they're participating, it's likely you just don't have anything meaningful to say, and the main mistake we're making is listening.

Writer's audition for Horsin' Around… accepted.

Honey, my friends use that term and they're probably older than your own fandoms. This is basic geek culture — there are elements of fandom that do actually predate the Internet, believe it or not. Shipping as a phenomenon started in the 70s with Trek fandom, and the name itself dates to X-Files fandom in the 90s. Not…

Because the first and foremost thing you should always take into account when reading something on the Internet is the race, sex, age, nationality, religion, tax bracket, height, weight, and blood type of the author. Everything else, "ideas" or whatever, is just secondary.

Somebody explain satire to this person, pronto, before they embarrass themselves.

Yeah, um, you could totally tell how desperately and solemnly serious he was about the whole thing.

Take it from someone who's been there: he DIDN'T DRIVE OFF A CLIFF.

"Your honest opinions about this entertainment product and/or service displease me. Please amend them immediately." Seems a bit cynical in its own right, especially given there are a number of things about this particular Olympics that are objectively pretty awkward and unpleasant.

You don't have to invite them in to watch it with you. Honest. ;)

Congrats, Marceline, you gave me (back) a little hope for the world today. Seriously. <3