John Mayer is one of the best guitar players walking the planet earth, whatever you may think about the songs he writes.

John Carpenter's Prince of Darkness would be on my list as an underrated horror flick. Sure, it's definitely got that mid-80s feel to it, but I think it holds up pretty well. I have no idea what season it's in, but it meets the other four criteria to a T. College students accidentally opening a portal to hell? …

You mean, it made you giddy?

You know you can get tomato ketchup without the sugar and corn syrup, don't you? It takes some looking, but not really all that much.

Plate of meatballs? WHEN'S THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE GOING?

This is a conspiracy triumph, masterfully executed by the Ranch Dressing Illuminazis.

I'll still read your write-ups, but you're losing a lot of credibility with your dislike of chili, ketchup, and bell peppers.

You can't even fucking hold that. That's not a hot dog, that's an elaborate prank. Also, fuck tomatoes with a rusty rake.

By the way, if ranch dressing is actually more popular than ketchup, I'm still right, because ranch dressing isn't a condiment, it's corporal punishment in sauce form.

We simply ask that you trust us. We know what we're doing!

Give me ketchup or give me death!

I looked it up and it says truffle fries with some kind of aioli. At least they have aioli and it probably is better than ketchup. But I roll my eyes at truffle. Too pretentious.

What about chili and cheese?!

I get the gist of your gibe, but I think you're ginning up a giant problem that's marginal everywhere but your imagination.

I see that his tastebuds and preferences are the ideal ones and anyone's whose differ should just go fuck themselves.

"By the way, if ranch dressing is actually more popular than ketchup, I'm still right, because ranch dressing isn't a condiment, it's corporal punishment in sauce form."

I grew up putting ketchup on spaghetti. FIGHT ME.

Any place called "Mad Fresh Bistro" shouldn't be getting high and mighty about their condiments, since now I suspect their meat is as dated (and somehow as awkward) as their slang.

And any chef who talks about a "culinary agenda" should be punched in the gut.

Fuck this guy. French fries only exist to serve as a ketchup delivery mechanism.

* It's "gif" with a hard g, and I don't give a shit what the guy who created them says. It's not fucking peanut butter.