I bone stock Subaru is almost as fast as a Countach from 0-60

I want to hate this answer. Like REALLY REALLY want to hate this answer but, Jesus, you make a well reasoned argument. Have your star. 

Yes, please!

With a sawzall, your wagon could be a convertible...

This clearly proves that these cars are not yet ready to for the general public. I wouldn’t park one of these things in my garage. There must be something inherently wrong with this type of car, why isn’t this being investigated by regulators?

Gosh these new electric cars are just so dangerous, always bursting into flames while on the charger and whatnot.

Counterpoint: it’s fine, actually. Cars crash when you race them.

“Three-row seating amounts of room inside”

I get what you’re saying, but the third row in those is a bad joke.

Jared, my man, I know you want a hatch so you can sleep in it... but hear me out: There’s a better way.

VWs have something similar. It’s not a separate section of the glovebox, but there is little knob in the glovebox that let’s you air condition it.

Probably the only good thing about the Dodge Caliber. 

Same tech for the heated/cooled cupholders in the 300. Love it. 

I used to love the ‘Swing’ feature on a friends Mazda 626 in college. Basically you pushed a button and it made the center air vents constantly rotate back and forth so they were blowing out the a/c like an oscillating fan.

This weird looking lever that makes driving funner

Those were (and might still be on some models) very common in Japan, especially higher end models like the Cedric/Gloria, Toyota Crown, etc.  As far as I know Mazda is the only one to offer swing vents on cars exported to the US.  

I always thought the “swing” button would make Glenn Miller play on the radio