Ah, that’s one tricky dad! I had a similar moment with my folks. After I graduated college my dad reached into ye olde liquor cabinet for a nice old bottle of scotch. Mom says she threw it out a few years ago. Brother and I look at each other and say, “Ah, it was mostly water anyway.” Whole family laughs.

Hahaha. Oh no. How disappointed were you when you found out the Spanish language parts are just more idiotic stuff about weed and butts?

The moral of the story is never admit to anything.

Get out of my brain and quit stealing my memories!

Me and a couple of friends stormed the stage and tore down a gigantic paper spirit banner at the end of a pep rally in high school. I’m 99% sure we were stoned as per usual. I think we were sophomores and a bunch of kids in our class were super angry that the seniors had rigged some sort of spirit day contest (?) so…

You sound like my brother. He kicked in my door once and passed out on my couch. Had a live parakeet in a cage with him.

Well screw them. Somehow I think they’ll live without it! You do you.

yiiiiiiiiiiiikes. ugh. so much dirty flea-ridden squirrel fondling. they let her rub it all over shirtless body!!! noooooo!!!!

Oh please. Moms cry over a lot of shit. One time my mom cried because I wouldn’t let her sprinkle fake crystals all over my wedding buffet table. Once she broke into hysterical sobbing because I told her she looked like a fudgsicle. She did! She was wearing a brown turtle neck and a brown full length skirt. DON’T ASK…

Yes! Do not post naked pictures of your child (of any age) online! It never ceases to amaze me that people don’t get this. It’s like giving perverts a free sample. Oh hey, internet perv, would you like a preview of the kid your gonna stalk? Here you go!

I once witnessed a cop searching a cute little white girl’s purse and upon finding contraband, he simply turned to the nearest ethnic minority and arrested that guy instead. Hand to god, I watched this shit go down.

There’s a bit in The Second Sex where Simone de Beauvoir theorizes that adult women, having incomplete agency over their own lives, relish in the only complete mastery of a human they will ever know, which is that over their own daughters. Maybe my fucked up childhood makes me inclined to agree, but honestly ... it…

Oh my god. I feel you.

“I think you’ve had enough calories for the day,” my dad.

My mom used to just look at me and say, “Why are you SO white?” and then just shake her head.

Which is downright ridiculous by their own ideology. Who will be their slave class if we proles don’t reproduce?

My money was on scientist. I work with these people, and trust me there is a significantly high density of odd ducks in this population.

I told my husband about the deep bowl lady. His response:

The chicken wings story kind of just sounds like spousal abuse. :/ bummer.

The whole point of a crock pot is to leave it at home! @_@