Schrödinger’s Mexican: Lazy and will take your jobs at the same time.

You’ve seen one penis, you’ve seen them all... Am I right?

I got my doctoral degree last year, and I needed some experience teaching before getting a job as a professor... So I hooked up with an online tutoring service. It pays really well... You’d be amazed at how much the parents of struggling students taking AP this and AP that, or statistics, or even proofreading their…

No, thanks. They’re having one of the worst measles outbreaks in the developed world. I wouldn’t risk my family’s health to go into an anti-vaccine haven like Italy... Or Washington State.

Let’s do an experiment. Let’s get a bunch of young men of color and have them repeat the same exact scene, with a lone white senior citizen instead of Mr. Phillips. Let’s see how fast Trump comes to their defense.

Indicted, probably. In DC, no jury would convict. We’d all pitch in for the lawyers.

Yeah, I can see how it was completely impossible for him to walk away. I can see how a group of girls can scare a man of that size.

Unfortunately, my work and social media have become intertwined way too much to completely log off. You’d be amazed at the amount of epidemiological data I can get — and the information I distribute — via Facebook and Twitter.

I used to tie my car keys to my strap on my shorts when I played soccer. Only took one time of falling on my stomach to never, ever do that again.

I heard... Not confirmed, but huge if it’s true... That this was VP Pence.

“FORK, PEN, AND JELLY WRAPPER”

It wasn’t Pizzagate, so they let it go.

There’s a sucker born every minute, remember? Follow that golden rule and you’ll end up just as rich an a-hole as Elon Musk.

Yeah, ‘cause people with health problems always look for help, especially if they have tons of cash.

Tularemia Rubeola

The sharpest cheddar possible, yes.

Come on, Dvora. Get your hands in the dirt. Get concussed!

Exactly. He didn’t adjust for potential confounders.

Zugzwang. That’s all I have to say.

It depends on the level of preservatives in the ingredients, as well. If everything about the pizza was processed and not-so-fresh, and you killed everything else with the heat, it will be a while before it spoils.