“Yesterday, after making myself an omelette for breakfast, I realized all of the plates and bowls in my apartment were in the dishwasher, which was running. So, I was forced to eat it out of a tupperware container.”

Casey’s?

Ooh, sorry, the answer we were looking for was “Keith.”

HE HATES THESE BOTTLES!!! STAY AWAY FROM THE BOTTLES!!!

Is it with or without pay?

This one time I overate for, like, 15 years and gained 50 pounds and now I’m fat.

To be fair, it’d be cruel to make Buffalo fans snort their coke off a mirror.

I knew your father, I fought with him in the Queso Wars.

Forget you and your anti-Southern idioms. Its only strange to YOU people, you fancy, gel-in-hair Northern types who don’t understand when you offer a Coke, its an offer for any soft drink. If you ORDER a Coke, you get a Coke. People calling it “pop” suck far worse than us simpletons who call it Coke. Not to mention we…

Whenever some uppity Crossfitter gushes about how some steakhead idol of theirs totally crushed a 21 minute 5k at the “Games” I like to point out that their time would maybe be good enough to place at a middle school or JV cross country meet, full of lanky degenerates who hate training like those described in this…

Because you’re the type of guy who thought Jek Porkins was going to make it through the assault on the Death Star.

If a sadder block of text has been written in 2015, I will take your word for it.

Ironically, the head of his penis is shaped like George Clooney’s hair.

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ROOT FOR GOLIATH.

The mention of Facebook is the only thing convincing me this isn’t an article from 1997.