(This interview has been edited for length and clarity.)

Let’s roll places.

My similar guess: they got to the end of the conveyor, hit the gas, realized they were in neutral, then dropped it into drive

“Man, these car washes never get the undercarriage clean enough... Wait, I have an idea!”

Oh no. Those terrible automatic carwash units always miss that spot on the roof. I guess I will use a fire-hydrant to pressure-wash it off rather than spend another quarter.

One is for Ramming, one is for Dodging.

Bad Santa

Avant-’tard

Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, and Chris Christie. It practically writres itself.

“Our culture is filled with bars and strip clubs on every corner.”

The movie should cast all the Chrises, just to fuck everyone up.

They’ve just had a bumper crop of Chris lately. Like that time I ambitiously planted three zucchini plants and then had to beg people to take the 5 billion zucchinis off my hands.

no one. shut it down.

Don’t mud wrestle with a pig. You’ll get dirty, and he’ll have a good time.

The premise of Westworld, the theme park, is simple: what if we had a place where we could expose our worst selves, and to fall in love and fuck and kill without worrying about the suffering or autonomy of the objects of our love and rage

“Grab ‘em by the pussy” is the new “grab the bull by its horns.”

When John Lackey was pitching for the Angels, my then-18-year-old sister-in-law was at the game with a couple of her friends and came down to the rail to watch them warm up. He came over to talk to them, gave her his phone number, and somehow talked her into giving him hers. He called her for weeks afterward even…

Cubs vs. Red Sox would have been epic in 2004. Now the end of days series is Cubs vs. Indians.

Everything you need to know about the Cubs from the great Bill Burr:

My grandma was a Cubs fan... she died last Thursday at the age of 91 and never got to see them win it all. That blows my mind and makes me sad at the same time. If the Cubs finally win it all this year I will hate them even more.