Hurry up and get home so I can impose my dictatorial will upon you until I go to bed. Hope you’re ready for some Paw Patrol, motherfucker.

For the last time, dudes: Stop trying to get women’s numbers at the gym!

Took me at least three reads to conclude that he was talking about his kids, not (a) about a threesome or (b) maintaining a few girls on the side.

This reminds me of when I emailed George W. Bush about 9/11 and he wrote back that he was going to sit there for like 20 minutes and not do anything, and perhaps read a little, and then get back to me.

“Candidate Responds To email Like a Real Person; Has no comment on how he will recover from this incredible misstep.”