Jared walks into the main computer area thingy where Richard, Gilfoyle and Dinesh are busy programming.
"Guys," Jared announces, "I have some bad news."
"What is it?" asks Richard. "Is this about Erlich?"
"Yes," Jared responds. "I've called him in here for a meeting.
Erlich enters, his leaky member waggling out of his…

Don Draper awakes on his deathbed. He begins scrolling through the jukebox selection, before turning around to Bob Newhart and asking where Journey is. Newhart reminds him it's the 1960s and then crawls back under the sheets. Don Draper walks out of his prison cell and sets the gun turret to kill all the nazis, before…

The vampire opens up his diary.
"Holy shit," he begins to write. "I'M A VAMPIRE."
Smash cut to black. Roll credits.

American Dad steps into the bar. He looks up to find Roger, naked and sprawled over the family jack-o-lantern.
"What is this?" asks American Dad.
"It is your fantasy," Roger replies, separating his legs from his torso with a meat cleaver. "Now lean in closer, and faster, and harder."
American Dad leans in.
"I can see my…

We open on Mitch and Cam eating an apple. Separate apples, of course. Maybe they're not even in the same room as one another. Suddenly, Phil enters, wielding an iPad.
"LOOK AT MY IPAD," he yells, as Apple logos shoot out of his mouth, dispersing in the air like friend gelato. Phil and Cam each turn to stone and shatter…

Fargo approaches Alison Tolman and Colin Hanks, each of them are holding up the same baby. Fargo makes direct eye contact with Alison Tolman, much to Colin Hanks' chagrin.
"Come with me," Fargo says, holding up a smashed picture of Morgan Freeman. Alison Tolman looks over at Colin Firth, and shrugs. She looks back over…

Michael Cera struts into the classroom, vigorously waving a dildo he stole from his mother's purse. He dances over to teacher's desk, and slams the dildo down on it with the might of a thousand tiny Michael Ceras.
"EXTRA CREDIT, BITCH!" he yells, as the class proceeds to stand up and cheer, yelling quotes from Juno…

Saul Goodman pulls out a stick of gum and sets it down on the nearby counter top. He pulls up a stool and proceeds to sit upon it, using his anus. Saul locks eyes with the stick of gum's very being. He stares it down, down, DOWN until it is no more. The counter top sinks back into the floor, having served its intended…

Professor Farnsworth drops his trousers, exposing his old man penis. It is shriveled and unattractive, and his testes sag to the floor like a mutilated summer ham. His urinary hole winks erratically, confused and dismayed at its existence. Fry, Leela, Amy, Hermes and Dr. Zoidberg all begin to applaud solemnly.

Inside a dark, dank incubation chamber, a faint, whale-like hum can be heard in the background. And the foreground. There is no middle ground. This continues for many, many hours. Suddenly, a blinding flash of light fills the chamber, leaving behind whale residue which creeps together to form one giant whale. Archer…

That's why the fan fiction was rejected.

Bob Belcher sat alone in the empty avery, crying into a pancake. His wife Linda entered, noticing the lack of birds.
"Where are the birds, honey?" she asked.
"They're gone," Bob replied. "Just like our children, and every last remaining portion of love I ever had for you."
Linda slapped Bob in his big, stupid face and…

Mark Duplass awoke naked in the empty grave, smeared from head to toe in off-brand vegetable oil. He turned to his lover, David Blaine and stared him down in a most uncompromising manner.
"You hated it, didn't you?" asked Mark Duplass, noting that David Blaine was already packing up his cards, and hadn't once made eye…