“he also had a history of speeding offenses”

Change it. It looks stupid, and I haven’t even seen it. 

Wrangler with the “angry face” grille.

I’ll remind the kids to do the dishes!

Are you available for babysitting?

I can sympathize; I accidentally killed a childhood friend by “hilariously” dropping an anvil on him. I expected him to walk like an accordion for a few minutes and then be fine, the way Looney Tunes worked.

Too late: I grew up with Homer strangling Bart and, since I am someone who always does what cartoons show me, I now strangle every child I run across. 

Counterpoint: Fuck Machine Gun Kelly and his entire douchebag schtick. I’m living for the day a bank safe falls from a tall building and crushes him, Wiley Coyote style.

Counterpoint: No

He is currently still in jail after a judge denied his bail back in August.

Was Minhaj actually told he’s not getting the job, or is that just a funny story he made up for a new stand up routine?

Just become a cop, then everyone that doesn’t roll out the red carpet for you is a bad guy all over again!

If the bad guys can’t steal guns so that good guys with guns can later shoot at them, the whole circle of life breaks down. It leaves the good guys with no options other than accidentally (sometimes) shooting their family members, friends, and of course themselves.

The Tachikoma development has begun.

I SAID SHUT YOUR UGLY FACE, FLANDERS!

If he was in Texas, he’d be the one driving the F350.

Bikers are trash. Yes, all of ‘em. 

I still want to see the receipt that proves Mitch Hedberg bought that donut.

“They’re aggressive to the point that police say they refuse people who turn them down for help.”

Butt New Jersey.