I've got to admit, I'd be frightened to watch a porn film starring someone primarily famous for public excretion.

Loved the first one, but something about this seemed... off. Too hectic, too bright, too choppily-edited - am I alone here? Has the world changed, or have I changed?

Watching Fight Club with people who haven't seen it before is one of the great pleasures of life. [SPOILERS] A friend of mine laughed so hard at the controlled demolition at the end - I think he really wasn't expecting them to follow through with it - that he's probably been put on some sort of terrorist watch list.

Oh god, that lip gif is harrowing. It's like something you'd see in the Mariana Trench.

It feels like it's been up and down. When 12YAS showed at some film festivals around September-October time, it was widely considered to be the frontrunner - a few Oscar hopefuls like The Wolf of Wall Street and The Monuments Men were moved away from its release date in anticipation of how well it would do. Then Grav…

My granddad came up with an interesting take on that; after seeing it he said something like "Fassbender [he never remembers character names] has an excuse for behaving like that - he was probably mentally ill. But his wife, and Paul Dano... they're all sane, and they're no better." It's a terrifying thought.

Oh, now you mention it, that would make a lot of sense. McQueen's said in a lot of interviews that he was working himself on a story about slavery before he discovered Solomon Northrup's book and realised it hit all of the notes he wanted. Both of his previous films have both been written in close collaboration with…

It's got to the point where it actually ruined my happiness for Lupita last night, just thinking about how much we're all going to have to pretend to hate her next year. Culture is just fucking awful sometimes.

Because the uvula is not in the crotch?

You need some Bilderbergs, they run everything now.

If I didn't know it was Woody Allen, I'd never have guessed.

I found The Hurt Locker less bothersome than Zero Dark Thirty, definitely. But I'm still not sure I'd describe it as anti-war. Both of the films have this little grace note at the end about the toll war takes on people, but I'm not sure that makes up for the rest of the film. The characterisation of the Iraqis in TH…

Strange Days absolutely rocked my socks. HERESY CORNER: I like it much better than the serious shakycam vaguely right-wing war films Kathryn Bigelow does now.

I heard it was her clitoris, which probably explains why it took a whole movie for Joseph Cotten to find it.

If they have a child after the Oscars (where they will probably both win) that child will be a Best Supporting Actor and a Best Supporting Actress winner by descent. I think that's how it works, by bloodline, like the British aristocracy.

It's OK - now everyone knows it's a sled, they're not too fussed about keeping their secrets.

He was barely working when he signed up for them, though. Charlie Hunnam at least has Sons of Anarchy and Guillermo del Toro to fall back on; Pattinson had a small role in one of the Harry Potter films and some TV movies.

The breast cancer line always does it for me. I really fear that one day I'll be watching a heavyweight drama where somebody like Jennifer Connelly or Nicole Kidman gets breast cancer and I'll burst out laughing at the memory of it.

I must admit, watching Shia LeBoeuf do his schtick apocalyptically badly is making me come back round on Franco.

I feel really, really awful for not believing her, but the way she just brought it up as a casual aside in the middle of a generally insincere interview makes me side-eye.