That was a rumor a couple of months ago, but it was debunked. You can’t tell whether you have it that way.  I wish I wasn’t the bearer of bad news.

I’m not. I’m short, fat, don’t run fast, and don’t see well enough to shoot accurately. I have back injuries that mean I can’t practice running until I get faster.  I’m not itching to die.  Chill.

What they want is for OTHER people to get to work.  Why?  Because Tangerine Hitler tells them they should, and that’s all they need.

Thank you!  I love random historical facts, and the first half of the 20th century is my favorite era.

I’m going to miss her.  She was one of the best people on SNL.

Meanwhile, the painfully stupid Virginia DMV has allowed BOLOGMA for years.

Yes, but apparently that doesn’t translate to coming out of anesthesia faster, so I’ve had nurses get really cranky with me because they’re trying to get me to stand up and walk around so they can go home, but I’ve had so much anesthesia that I can barely remember how to walk.

A lot of women love a man who can dance.  I know I do!

I think I still have a crush on him!

I get pickier!  I’m not going to waste my time.  Any person I add to my life has to make it better, not worse.

People who have pets who are not nice to them are out.  Ditto if they inform me pretentiously that “animals don’t have souls,” especially if it’s in aid of “that’s why our dog isn’t house-trained and lives outside.”  When I informed him that around here people call Animal Control on folks who leave animals outside if…

That’s the best reason I’ve heard!

I think she can safely be ignored from now on.

But... why?  You don’t actually have to tell me, it’s your underwear and you can wear what you like, but if underwear A is uncomfortable and no one sees it under my pants, I’m going to go with underwear B.

The NRA is a fucking manufacturer’s association.  The country is being held hostage by a fucking manufacturer’s association.  Jesus Christ.

I’m not especially afraid of snakes either. That said, when I encountered one under my hot water heater, I made it down the hall, around the corner, and up the stairs without touching the floor once.  Snakes need to be outside.

Are they? I’m always the last to know these things.

Yeah. And I don’t think this mofo knows what “conceptual” means.

Not suggesting you get one, but at Ikea they have a foam mattress that is like lying on a concrete floor.  I really didn’t think it was foam, but I was wrong.

Okay, HERE’S the picture: