He won't be

No Pain, No Higuain

For real though - that red was bullshit.

“Don’t you know that string instruments being friends with Vladimir Putin are how you make the big rubles?”

oh I get it now... because “US” looks like a “T”

Swing and a miss.

I’m glad these ladies are catching some heat.

yeah, but ... who the fuck else could she even pretend to blame? the bartender? the liquor store clerk? she drove drunk. “I take full responsibility for my actions.” thanks, (former) Captain Obvious.

That just shows how little you know about us True Americans, Alejandro.

You can tell you’ve got yourself out of position when Jozy scores on you.

Jozy’s most clinical finish in years.

Meanwhile Landon Donovan tweeted that it was somehow all Jurgen Klinsman’s fault.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say she's not super familiar with Hummers.

The “Michael Sam” defense.

Even male sports DUIs are more fun to watch.

I thought she could handle her liquor

Thought they used an old Corey Haim mug shot.

This is a good start, if women’s sports want to be equal to men’s

As a sign of solidarity, Wambach’s former teammate Hope Solo murdered a homeless man.

Cos they’re all fucking bald now, like... how are the majority of men bald now?