This one’s a bit closer:

He’s a kicker, not a punter.

The Vikings just picked up an incredibly accurate kicker, you say? Why do I think that’s going to turn out exactly the same way it has multiple times over the course of that particular franchise’s history?

It’s all good. Time for Daniel Carlson to take the next step and become a frequent Deadspin commenter.

And he won the popular vote!

You can’t “steal” a QBing job. You win it through hard work. It’s not like it’s a crab leg.

He’s gonna need to work if he wants to stand out.  Rae Carruth has been tearing it up on the practice squad

Computers can totally handle the ball and strike calls, but it’s their AI’s inability to manufacture sufficiently batshit insane petty grudges that’s holding back the robot umpiring revolution.

Just another tone-deaf take by the Buffalo police....

He went to high school in the early 80s. I’m only 25, so I don’t have much experience, but people around his age, tell me: Do you honestly remember every encounter with every person you went to high school with, especially if it’s a small school?

You seem to be under the misconception that a person who reacts to a situation with violence is thinking.  Domestic violence, road rage, bar fights....they all involve a lack of thought regarding the consequences.

That is the history of that question, “what did you do to provoke him?”

Wow. That quite the leap you’re taking there.

Nah dude. They’re totally not mad about getting cancelled at ESPN. They’re laughing about it. With all of these funny funny jokes. Like, do you even get satire? 

Might as well preempt these before the Stoolie brigade descends upon this article.

I’m with In-A-Mazda-Da-Vida. If you’re ever in a position where you feel like you need to harm your partner, be a man and leave the situation. There’s no reason to hit, beat, threaten, or strangle your partner repeatedly for any amount of time up to and including four hours. 

I’m gonna be gentle because some other folks here will probably not afford you that courtesy (and I don’t blame them.)

It is irrelevant. If she called him a booger eater, called his mama fat, whatever. He detained her (kidnapped) and beat her. If she cheated on him, it still doesnt matter, that doesnt give one the right to do what this guy (allegedly) did.

Because wanting to what she did to “provoke” him is irrelevant, disgusting and extremely misogynistic?

“LET’S LET THE LEGAL SYSTEM HANDLE THIS BEFORE WE RUSH TO ANY CONCLUSIONS”