It's still real to me, damnit!

This guy truly is special. And belongs in jail for a nice long stretch.

I’m putting a 10mm wrench in my golf bag today.

There really is no such thing as a stupid question. Only stupid people.

Took me years to realize I should store things at home in the same basic environment as I found them in the grocery store. Tomatoes? Counter. Onions? Not in the refrigerator.

He was thinking the same thing.

It’s along the lines of “Well, you’re a ... stupid ... head."

Have you ever been to an uncivilized country?

The NRA is not the problem. When you drill all the way down, it is something else entirely.

Uh, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, uh
Miani, uh, uh

That may be true. She is definitely a close talker. I’d be all “Can you sit back a little, face the camera instead, and stop staring at me and nodding your head while I’m reading this? You’re weird.”

I hope this all ends with an elderly female judge announcing:

I once had to monitor the Twitter feed of an early 20 something in Philly. I too had to look up some words, Eli. The posts were mostly about being hungover, a shitty breakfast sandwich, and cigarettes (or the lack thereof). Learned a jawn or two that day.

Dressing like you are in the Village People?

Red sauce is good. Homemade Alfredo is better. And super easy. Follow the recipe below. And get some quality shrimp steamed with cajun seasoning at the market (you only need like 4-5 per person). Boil up some thin spaghetti noodles (because angel hair is too thin and fettuccine too thick). Scoop some sauce over the…

Gilmour Pro Fireman’s Nozzle. Durable, easy to shut the flow on and off, easy to adjust the stream from full blast to light shower. It’s the best. The best. Even better when you add quick connects.

Gilmour Pro Fireman’s Nozzle. Durable, easy to shut the flow on and off, easy to adjust the stream from full blast…

Dafuq? This is some seriously twisted shit. I had no idea one can become expert on how other human beings feel about everything. AND how they should actually feel. It must be empowering to have attained such expertise (almost a supernatural ability really). Is it an MD or PhD? Where does one intern? You should testify…

I hope the judge begins his ruling by stating "Mr. Kelly, I'm gonna piss on you."

I have heard a few people say they hate The Big Bang Theory. I have only heard one say they like it, and it was my neighbor, a manly man construction supervisor. It was weird to hear him say it. I had to make sure we were talking about the same show.