Good for her, but I don’t want my little girl growing up playing football. I don’t want little boys doing it either.

I so loved Sherri Shepard on 30 Rock. I just kind of wish she didn’t really exist in any other part of the universe.

I’ve decided I will punish infidelity by never ever leaving him alone. A fate worse than death.

Madeleine Davies, Spokesmodel.

Just Deal With It.

Old rich ladies LOVE buying jewelry. And at a certain point they don’t have to give a shit if it’s technically an engagement ring, or an anniversary ring, or someone else’s birthstone. They’re like “wrap that shit up, I’m 84 and I want it.”

I am mentally standing on my desk and slow-clapping you right now. *wipes tear away*

In 11 days, my family is going to drop me off for a week long trip. After 17 years of marriage and 2 kids, I cannot believe that I am going to be alone for that long. I don’t have to worry about what anyone else wants to eat, who needs to pee, kids picking at each other, etc. It is going to be a vacation from my whole…

Speaking as someone who has been married for 15 years and has two kids, let me just say that traveling to a beautiful vacation spot where I can stare off into space for a week sounds like fucking bliss I say, bliss!

Or use an English muffin for a bun.

Pharrell needs to get back with Chad Hugo and Shae Haley asap. Forget this solo stuff.

This is a “thing” now in Florida. You wake up to find that your friends have been up to pink plastic nonsense while you were sleeping.

Same. I've done a lot of super slutty things in my time, but never managed this one.

(I promise this is about sex. Hang in there)

This is a long one, but I think it’s pretty great. Please excuse any typos.

Two friends from college got married, and it was a doozy of a wedding. My friends actually went to college with my best friend from high school, so over the course of college and the following decade her friends became mine, and vice versa.…

This is not my story. I was merely an observer on this crazy wedding hook-up ride.

I was a bridesmaid in a close friend’s wedding. Got to the rehearsal, noticed that her three-years-younger brother had gotten SUPER cute since I last saw him, brought him back to my place after the reception and showed him a REAL good time. He ended up spending the night with me and trying to sneak back into the hotel…

He deserves to be punched in the face with a Kia.

Thank goodness they so expertly blurred out that mysterious word. Can't have my sensibilities rattled.