I’m surprised you overlooked this little gem: “For the first time in his life, Brad Pitt’s toilet seat is getting more ass than he is . . . “

Good call on David, Al, but I don’t think he’s hit bottom yet. That will happen the day Ann Coulter refuses to even give him a handjob.

When I was in college, in the mid-70s, I worked at a restaurant in Texas that was sort of like a Steak and Ale. On more than one occasion, somebody ordered Alaskan king crab legs, and tried to eat a whole leg, shell and all. Another time (or two), somebody ordered a steamed artichoke, and tried to eat the artichoke…

Looks like the ladies were naturals when it came to shoplifting.

In both countries, it wasn’t just about selling babies and making money, it was about torturing and murdering dissidents. In Chile, they are still called “The Disappeared,” because their bodies have never been found.

The events in Spain you mention were connected to the reign of terror of Generalissimo Francisco Franco, who was put into power with the help of the Roman Catholic Church. Many married, pregnant women in Spain were kidnapped and held until they gave birth, then tortured and murdered. Their newborn babies were handed…

“I blame the department . . . “ One cop, and perhaps the only cop in America who understands cause and effect.

Wait, can you watch porn on the Apple Watch? If so, I withdraw my pledge.

Vegetarianism aside for a moment, there is still so much bad karma in fast food it’s ridiculous. And then for some shitty writer to allow them to put his shitty writing on a paper bag to be wadded up and thrown in the trash is just begging to become fly-specked—in this life, if not in the next.

Baseball fans are stupid. But they’re still smarter than the players, managers, and team owners.

Hey, Leslie, you forgot the ground-up gym mats in the bread—about which Jared has been known to say, “It’s safe once the bread’s cooked.”

I remember it, vaguely. There was one scene where Dudley Moore gets married in a church to his 2nd wife, walks out of the church (in top hat, tails, with the rest of the wedding party), and runs into his parents-in-law from his other marriage, walking down the street. That was pretty funny.

Queso’s Rule: All prostitutes are mercenaries, but not all mercenaries are prostitutes.

So she’s friends with Pete Rose and Sarah Palin? She should throw in Lance Armstrong for the trifecta.

People wouldn’t need so much self-help if they had more self-awareness.

ESPN reporter Cuntt McCuntry.

Looks like it's circumcised.

I think you mock Lou Holtz at your peril. He represents the FUTURE of the republican party.

I think she’d do better as a principal, rather than a teacher. She knows how to handle the bad boys.

“Bow down, bitches!” is good, but “Curtsy, cunts!” is better.