Literally my reaction to every pregnancy announcement. Always takes a beat for me to develop the correct, socially acceptable response.

I literally just about have a stroke every time I turn on the news. I used to love the news. I enjoyed keeping up with events. Now I just feel like I am in a Kafka novel.

Bannon’s a lost cause. There’s superficial beauty, and then there’s ugly that comes from deep in the marrow, in the soul. Ain’t no fixin’ that.

because it might give them pause for a second and make them consider who the fuck they have actually become.

I personally am more pissed about the lazy, hate-filled, greedy, American pussies that vote for these shitsticks every god damned election.

Jamie Lynn Spear’s ordeal is my WORST nightmare as a parent. The “watching your child in mortal peril but not being able to fix it” variety. I know we’re so quick to say “but she shouldn’t have allowed...” but honestly at the end of the day, peoplec said that shit about the poor parents who watched an alligator snatch…

I can’t stand that look of awe and childlike adoration on a grown woman’s face. It’s the look every woman with one marble rolling around in her head gives her husband when he’s got two marbles rolling around. Duggard shit

Seriously, that was heartbreaking to read. I’m going to go hug my cat for a while.

I’m an animal shelter volunteer and, between my wife and I, have four cats. PETA is garbage.

This isn’t the first time we’ve had white supremacists in the white house. Black folks can get through this the same way we always have. And this may (almost certainly) be my darker side talking here, but i hope that whites feel a fraction of what blacks and other minorities have and will have to go through and learn…

Ahhhh I can’t handle how good he is with kids. It’s too much.

Trump children don’t play on playgrounds, they compete in the stock market in their spare time, and he with the most winnings gains a few moments to chat about business prospects and a small business start-up loan from the patriarch as a prize.

This is a case of God getting drunk and saying “Wolf+fox+horse, let’s do it!” And it turned out amazing, unlike the other weird combo animals like the aye aye and the yeti crab.

I know. Do you ever listen to him speak and think, “Well I must be dead and/or in the Twilight Zone because there is no way in hell this can be real.”

So we’re really gonna do this, huh? This is actually happening? And how do I know I’m not in a coma somewhere hallucinating all this?

Up the ass. No lube. No spit. No foreplay. Rough. Very very rough.

He’s a murderer, a terrorist, an unapologetic racist, and an evil piece of shit.

Well, Jude, I think you can’t really live unless you have a Newfoundland dog for cuddling purposes and you eat at least one port wine cheese ball a week. But that’s just me.