I don’t get a period (thanks, Mirena!) so this means that I WILL LIVE FOREVER.

Why am I even alive today as someone who has chosen not to have kids?

You’re insane. I loved dolls when I was a kid and they were awesome as long as I did exactly what they told me to do.

Yeah, I’m kind of impressed/incredulous that she says she’s still committed to giving. I think she’d have every right to be on the defensive after all this. I haven’t even had a negative experience like this with a homeless person, but my guard is already up being approached unsolicited by any man.

In Bernie’s speech last night he was insistent that we all remember “in a few months we will all need to unify to support the nominee, whoever that is”. He was nothing but gracious towards Sec. Clinton. I am a Bernie supporter because his long held views most closely support my own; however, Clinton is clearly…

Then, after shooting some hoops, the hosts took off their skin costumes and masks. Underneath, with their tentacles free, they looked much larger and menacing than normal. Hundreds of shiny, silver teeth glittered under the hot lights of the studio, and the gel-like substance that coats the majority of their bodies…

Bernie pretends to enjoy ice cream: AWWW, WHAT A GREAT GUY.

He’s America’s favorite grumpy grandpa. He’d make a good president. I can imagine him telling Putin to get off his lawn, or giving Merkel ugly sweaters at Christmas or Chanukah. Which is obvs the top criteria for the job. Right?

YES! I’m an atheist and it’s so exciting to have a candidate that doesn’t claim to be religious.

Q: Why did Adele cross the road?

Just as diarrhea is slightly superior to vomit because of its close connection to the small bowel.

90s icon Julie Delpy

You know it’s bad when the only highlight in the dirt bag is Gwyneth Paltrow.

I mean sure-we all get a little upset when down graded. I get that it’s really hard for her to be moved from the best seat to the second best. But it IS hard to sympathize with her as when I’m downgraded from MY seat, I have to hang on to the wing, screaming, like some sort of nightmare at 20 thousand feet.

Oh, he’s NOT a villain. Well, that cleared that up!

I’m up with you until Clinton and Sanders. In my mind, flip the two:

This is not a good time to be a singer in your 60s.

Frank just got so pissed ‘cause now he has to tag along with this shit-show of a campaign until its merciful death.