The following is not a funny story. I was a witness.

It looked like some kind of, I don’t know, fire drill perhaps?

I think Bosa’s attitude had less to do with old college grudges than with the well known fact he just hates the browns. 

Jesus Christ, Laura! The body isn’t even cold yet!

My sister used to tell me I was adopted. The rest of the fam found it hilarious that I would get upset and cry over this.

When I was seven or eight, my dad told me cows that live in the mountains had longer legs on one side of their body so they were able to stand on the slopes. Regular cows would fall over in the mountains. I totally believed this. The next school year we studied adaptive behaviors in animals like those fish in…

My mother told me that when someone sneezes the appropriate response is “achooie-woowie-woots!” Not bless you. Achooie-woowie-woots. I thought it was bless you in another language, like “gesundheit.” It wasn’t until I was an adult teaching middle school that anyone questioned “achooie-woowie-woots.” One of my 8th…

My family lie is that my great grandfather invented the wooden trivit. I remember being an angry teen, walking through a Bed, Bath and Beyond and being pissed that my family was screwed out of millions.

Okay, mine is lame (I have a birthday the day before a holiday and they told me the holiday was everyone celebrating me), but my mom’s is hilarious.

My mother said she read a story in a magazine about vampire frogs in Florida that lived in a golf course. They kept attacking the golfers so they eventually closed it down and turned it into a retirement home.  I was a little kid and believed it for YEARS.  YEARS!!! I TOLD PEOPLE ABOUT THIS AND MY MOM KNEW THAT!!.  So…

My dad told us, me and my three older sisters, that orange juice pulp was called fib. And to remove the fib from your orange juice, you used a defibrillator. This went my entire childhood and into my teens. I just believed. My sisters and I asked our friend's confused parents for defibrillators at post sleepover…

What is the sound of one ball slapping ?

“The one thing about living in Santa Carla that I never could stomach: all the damned dentists.”

Dear Penthouse,

If these walls could talk; you’d probably hate their accent.

Those of us over 30 all saw Terminator 2.

Header image looks like an alien wearing a Hope Solo skin suit a la Edgar in MIB.