Could you please rewrite using 8400 more words, misused pronouns everywhere, and a poorly-connected Road Warrior reference? I miss Bill Simmons.

It is horrible, but “all its horror.”

I wasn’t looking out for you. I was calling you a dumbass. You continue to be one.

It would be worth retouching this one.

Uh, the GM wants to see you in his office, Dave.

Gotta use my throwing hand so I can pick off the hotdog vendor.

Hate to burst your double negative.

I wish I could wager somewhere on Barnwell and Lowe staying at Grantland. On the podcasts they have always kept a friendly yet respectful distance from Simmons, pushing back in places where they think he is wrong on the details. They both know very well that they are the cream of a pretty rich crop at Grantland, and…

Imagine if Jesus Christ hadn’t been murdered on the cross, but instead, being the immortal Son of God, chose to join the modern day Thunder, thenceforth faith-healing Kevin Durant’s breaky feet and subsequently spotting up for wide-open threes in the far corner, only to be passed over by Dion Waiters time and time…

two man-shaped pile of sticks and mud

I sure am glad we’re lampooning *this* possible off-field indiscretion.

I’m still not entirely clear... is there some connection between bone broth and soup? They sometimes seem similar to me.

Really, why do they all smell like that?

Which, this is the only reason “batting around” actually matters. QE fuckin D

Hmmm

"I'm proud of him," says Zduriencik.

My wife didn't "like" me until I "liked" her. She would never have come around, either. Now we have three kids and are basically BFFs. Maybe that sort of outcome is worth a little unwanted attention from time to time.

I think you mean since intra J-Will

We met Dr. Jeff Masters at the Children's Museum in Ann Arbor a few years back, and he stood and patiently answered weather questions (mostly tornado damage-related) from our 2 and 6 year-olds for maybe 20 minutes. He was patient, super-nice, and obviously loved the subject. Even as other kids weaved in and out of the…

The key is anal sex? Pretty sure that's Gawker code for anal sex.