He grinned at me, lifted his kilt and without even hesitating, flopped his sad, exposed wiener onto our stainless steel counter top.

I finished second in my grade’s spelling bee in 1st, 3rd, 4th, and 5th grades, losing all 4 times to the same kid.

I’ll be the bad guy. I fucking hate “superfans.” It’s more about them than the game and after about 5 minutes shut the fuck up already.

When her kids let their reptile starve to death out of apathy, I really, really, hated her.

No.

You don’t consider this a failure?!

I mean, real talk, it would make sense that they all lost touch with Uncle Joey. He wasn’t a relative, so after a while I’m sure Danny Tanner would’ve been like “Listen, dude, I’ve got three teenage girls in the house...You know this is weird, right? You gotta move out.”

OMG, same here! Sometimes I want to just get down and kiss the ground out of gratitude that social media wasn't a thing yet when I was a young gummy teenage wannabe with low self-esteem and boundary issues.

Maybe I’m not far enough out, but I really, really remember it.

My son’s latest is DON’T JUDGE ME.

She sounds like my daughter...she sounds like my daughter...GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Yet again, I am so thankful that my teenaged years went by largely undocumented. No Twitter. No Facebook. No interviews. If you could find the notebook I passed back and forth with my best friend from grade 10-12, though, you would find some tragic comic disqualification for coexisting in the human race.

*You don’t know shit about growing up in front of millions of viewers in a brutal industry and still trying to get homework done.

My mother was always there for us if we ran up against authority without reason. She had four kids, and I figure by the time the youngest of us graduated from high school they breathed a sigh of relief. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a bad kid for the most part, and if I did get in trouble for legitimate reasons, both…

Because it always goes well when you replace your stars with... other people.

I'll say this about fashion of yester yore. It was nice to see models that looked like they were older than 16.

Man, I think that's already happened with Lady Stoneheart (or has it????).

Sometimes it's the journey and not the destination that's important. But when it's one of these giant modern fantasy epics, that destination had better be goddamn impressive.

"No, ma'am, actually the sun is going to remain in its place as it has for millions of years. The Earth, however, will continue spinning and proceeding on its orbit as planned; would you like me to ask a manager to pull the emergency brake?"

The engine reportedly stopped running when the oil turned back into a dinosaur and ran away.