No sex talk, I think my parents left it to the schools. However, as the youngest of seven and with several older siblings who had "shotgun weddings"/terrible marriages, they (well, my mom at least) were firmly on the birth control train, leading to this scene.

A very old acquaintance of my mother's — born in the late 1800's and who lived well into her nineties — ate Dr. Scholl's Foot Balm daily, as a sort of laxative. My mom still has the correspondence this lady got back from them, after she wrote complimenting their product. It was basically: JESUS GOD WOMAN DON'T EAT IT

When I moved from Washington State to San Diego I hired my out of work nephew to drive a huge rental truck — the biggest you could rent without the endorsement. He was, um, not an experienced truck driver. He wasn't a kid though — he was probably in his forties at that time. (My family is weird.) We had to drive over…

I have two comforters and a heavy bedspread on top of the mattress, underneath the bottom sheet. This protects it from sharp claws (kittens especially have very sharp little claws), and also provides enough insulation that I almost never turn the heater on. But even if there's a puncture, you just patch it like you'd…

Current belief is that there's no type of bed that is good for everyone — the firm mattress long recommended for people with back problems works great...for some people, but not everyone. I've slept on a waterbed for thirty years, and for me — there's no way I'll ever switch. I've slept in good beds, terrible beds,…

Speaking of possums, here's a picture of a couch that was out on the deck for a while (for reasons), that a possum hid behind. The dog SUPER wanted that possum....

You are exactly correct. I grew up a long time ago in a suburban wasteland far far away, and we did a LOT of drunk driving. I can't stress this enough — A LOT.

As I understand it, when you call for a cab the dispatcher broadcasts your address to their fleet, and if no driver is interested, you could be waiting-for-literally ever. Apparently there's no obligation for a cab to actually come, and the dispatcher isn't going to call you back and tell you you're on your own. I…

I got a wrong number caller once, I politely said, I'm sorry you have a wrong number — and hung up. As one does. Caller calls back immediately, I less politely said — nope, this is a wrong number, the SAME wrong number. Hung up. One more call — we then had this exchange:

I've had a couple of letters from the dealership where I bought my 2013 FRS, offering $16K — that seems low? Not enticing, anyway.

If your argument begins with "I feel" it's automatically bullshit. Shut it down.

Titspervert?

This year I have perfected a beverage which perfectly takes the place of eggnog. One shot each rumchata and fireball, in a glass with ice and fill with horchata. Nothing again eggnog, but this stuff is the bomb.

Bakersfield has the Padre Hotel, which is a joy, and the Buck Owens Crystal Palace, which is entirely awesome. And meth, of course. I still maintain Bakersfield wins.

Does the Roomba still navigate by banging into everything? (I had one a couple of years back.) The Neato doesn't do that, and also seems to pick up more stuff, but it leaves more dirt in corners and edges than even my old Roomba.

Does the Roomba still navigate by banging into everything? (I had one a couple of years back.) The Neato doesn't do…

I accept your statement but the mind, it blows. So the mom asks the station wagon full of kids, shall we stop for Cokes? This makes sense. What does not make sense is, waiter — I'll have a grape Coke. Unless they're making that these days. Blerg.

Apropos of nothing, I had an all-Foodspin Thanksgiving dinner. Being as I'm a misanthrope, I cooked a delicious meal and ate it all myself! Of course this also means I continued to eat that same meal until yesterday.... The chuck roast, the potatoes au gratin, and chocolate pudding. I found the potatoes a bit…

Well, definitely not fucking "the human personification of chlamydia" Adam Levine, and I'm definitely marrying Mel — he's loaded and I sense he's more interested in whoever he's not married to, so that situation seems like it would be endurable. I guess that means it's you and me, Nick! I can close my eyes and just…

There's nothing wrong with the Today Show that couldn't be solved by hiring the untalented offspring of more politicians and/or random celebrities — didn't Romney produce a metric shit ton of television-ready bros with shiney shiney teeth that could slot in next to Seedling (Daughter of Shrub)? And by "solve" of…