John Derek HOT LIKE BURNING. All oily and nipply and bondagey.

As a human living in a capitalist economy (and incidentally, as someone working at a pharma), I can promise these idiots if a "cure for cancer" existed, there would be celebrity deathmatches to bring it to market at the earliest possible second. Half the R&D staff would be working on time travel in order to bring it…

1. Bad tipper/rude to wait staff.

A friend asked me to make her wedding cake, and said she didn't care what it was like, this was just going to be a fun party. These were not formal people — they'd been living together for years, the ceremony and reception were in their backyard, their DOG was the best man. They were both huge Star Trek fans, so I…

"Peng-oo-wins is practically chickens." — Bugs Bunny

It's Harder to Push Them Over the Line Than Pass the Dardanelles!

Ah! the "you're just jealous" defense. One of the top three bullshit defenses, along with "we're not bothering anyone" and "we're just having fun".

A friend's first-grader swallowed the class goldfish. He was OBSERVED swallowing the class goldfish. When asked by the teacher, what happened to the goldfish? His response: I forget.

I was a little kid in the 60's, and I remember the first time the local newspaper DIDN'T have a Vietnam story on the front page. I was terrified of nuclear war my entire childhood. It's definitely a different thing for the kids now, but agreed — lots of things to terrify and upset have existed for many years prior to…

GG Cherry Noir in seltzer with lime is the best summer drink of all time. OF ALL TIME.

Chocolate goes first, vanilla second and then you throw the fucking carton away.

Super bummed, but happy you're off to bigger and better things. Next time I'm up visiting my mom, Dicks Deluxes on me?

This shitty year continues to depress. Hope you're going somewhere we can continue to read your stuff!

You're gonna get some hop-ons.

This is how I did a move from Seattle to San Diego — rented the biggest truck someone without a commercial endorsement can rent, packed my stuff myself, paid my neighbor (a mover) to load the truck and gave or threw away everything that wouldn't fit, paid my unemployed nephew $25/hour to drive the big truck while I…

My boss (a TERRIBLE driver) is planning on buying a new car this year for this very reason, which she has no problem verbalizing — I'm not a good driver so I need to be up high and in something big. How about, paying attention to the driving function while you're doing it instead? and getting a vehicle that other…

"It's like there's a party in my mouth, and everyone is invited."

I bought a house in Seattle that had a hoarded-out shed in back. When I finally got around to cleaning it out, I took a bunch of not-legal-since-the-sixties cleaners and pesticides and unlabeled "stuff" to the household hazardous waste dump, including a lidless coffee can filled with some kind of black stuff. It…

I grew up in Seattle and I'm old enough to remember when Efren Herrera was the most watchable thing about that team. Last year's Superbowl was the best one ever and will be staying on my Tivo until the Mariners manage to win a World Series. So, probably forever. (PS fuck David Stern /obligatory)