all my love to you, my dear. all of it.

I remember the nurse gently wiping my ass for me while I screamed at my husband, "LOOK AWAY, FOR GOD'S SAKE, LOOK AWAY".

I pooped while pushing. Everyone was cool and pretended like it didn't happen.

i poop like 3 times a day. it's annoying.

I work in a vegan restaurant and have what feels like a disproportionate amount of people who want to eat gluten-free. I always phrase it, "Are you okay with the potential for a small amount of cross-contamination?" If they say, "yes," I respect it as a dietary preference but don't treat it like an allergy. If they…

So when I'm stuck on the toilet for four days with unending diarrhea because I wasn't told flour was used as a binder I should just...remember that my guts are making shit up? Ooookay.

You are wrong. My wife is gluten sensitive and it is very apparent when she eats gluten. She gets an upset stomach and a migraine. People can be allergic to almost anything.

My boyfriend, who is a sous chef, once had a customer who claimed she was allergic to salt...

FYI: It's cunt-punted.

Nice restaurants often already have dishes that the chef recommends that aren't on the regular menu. They're called specials, and they don't require bothering the head chef.

Paying customers are entitled to know what is in their food and to not order food with items in it that they don't want. If someone doesn't want to eat gluten for dietary reasons (as compared to celiac disease) that is their choice - just as some people won't go near cilantro simply because they don't like it. If a…

I had a friend who did this. She ordered a burger without onions at Sonic and I guess it had a tiny piece of onion on it and she made herself vomit out the side of the car window. I don't go out to eat with her anymore.

My best friend literally can't even drink beer because it makes her sick. Her doctors have diagnosed it as an allergy, not celiac.

I was in Spain recently and BallsMcGee took me out to a nice dinner, where I thought I'd be adventurous and fancy schmancy and order what was listed as "duck liver with carmelized melon" (on the English menu). I should have fucking asked what it was. What came out were 8 COLD dumplings stuffed with duck liver and…

If you have a severe allergy, your best bet is to tell the server beforehand and say "I was thinking of ordering this—will I be ok eating it?" If they don't know, a good server will check with the kitchen and let you know for sure. If you're not this cautious with your allergy on a daily basis, bad things will…

It seems weirdly personal to me to have to tell a stranger about what disease I have. I generally say "I can't have gluten." Servers understand what that means. Do you really need to know if I have Celiac or not? Would you like to see the results from my endoscopy as well?

Ooh, we have a Red Robin here. I'll add them to my list of "probably okay to try!" Thank you for the tip!

Red Robin in Alberta, at least, has been amazing. They bring you out an iPad with the gluten free menu and ask if they need to be extra careful in the kitchen (I think it's their polite way of asking if it's a diet or a medical need). I say yes, they say it'll take just a bit longer for my meal, etc etc.

I used to run kitchens, and someone actually did this to me. I had one of my prep cooks go to 7/11 and get hostess cupcakes and 7/11 nachos with that glorious fake chili and cheese, and a red bull. I then charged him $17.99. Then...no shit....the dude appears in my kitchen again, and says "At first I was…

I once blurted out "what, no you're not!" when someone tried that lie about onions once. Whoopsie! Oh well....