Will you buy me a hoodie? Seriously, she looks like a mid-90's Marvel Comics cover come to life. You know, when everything was EXTREME!!!

The nice thing about shock is that it numbs you. I was hit by a car a week ago. Believe me, I know. I didn't feel anything at all for about an hour, and if Death wore the body of a hawk to claim me I expect that I'd be dead well before the pain began. Terror and wonder would engulf my world - and considering that it's…

When Death comes for me, I hope to God she looks like that Golden Eagle. That video actually made me weep in wonder. It reminded me of the poem 'Hurt Hawks' by Robinson Jeffers:

I wrote letters to (and got really long, wonderful responses from) Margaret Atwood, Joel Peter Witkin, and Piers Anthony. My mother was really worried that Witkin would want to use me in one of his photographs but that would never have happened.

My husband did this to me. Only, I was singing Tom Waits' 'Chocolate Jesus'. Now he uses it as his ringtone.

Everyone discovers the ass during potty training. The love affair is brief, but intense; revolving as it does around the marvelous joy that is pooping. Like every relationship, it cools after a while. We become comfortable with our asses; we like what they do for us, but we think that there's nothing left to explore -…

The sun grew cold. We survived.

So, do the guards double as farmers? Will the guards/farmers/cleaners have housing on-site? I hope so, because I can't really picture rich people doing manual labor. Those poor fish are all going to die.

We only tried that once. It didn't end well. We both needed a shower.

We really do. We're terrible neighbors, though.

Farting contests. Lots of sex. Constant, constant, constant talking. Shared passions. Shared goals. Connect-the-dots, with freckles. Tag.

There are so many things wrong with your comment, I'll just stick with the most obvious: if you're giving birth, the anus is the wrong orifice.

No idea. I just told her she'd be better off with orange juice. She'd also not had any pre-natal care whatsoever. She couldn't afford it. Thank God for Planned Parenthood; they were able to help. They can't now, of course. It's Kansas.

She worked really hard. We all respected her.

Yes, she did. Her daughter didn't want to drink it, and I heard her say, 'You have to. The vitamins will help the baby grow.'

This is only tangentially related, but when I was 20 and in college I worked at a JCS in Kansas. I learned three things: 1) if you volunteer to do the sound, they don't make you dance. 2) no matter how young a waitress looks, she might have kids so you need to tip well - and maybe offer to sit at a table. One girl, a…

Thanks! The braids were the result of my mother taking over the shower for two hours pre-wedding and leaving me 15 minutes to get married! If you get married in the Church of England you can't be more than 10 minutes late or they cancel your wedding. Seriously. We were five minutes late and I have photographic…

We got proposed to each other June and married in August. Not a lot of time for planning (we had a KILLER party though) and we had a budget of $200 each. I bought mine on ebay. This is the dress:

The solution? Take your mother up on her offer to mail out the invitations. Invite everyone, everyone. Let her crappy memory and tendency to leave things under the bed will do the difficult work for you!

About a year and a half ago, I had a shitty publishing job that required me to spend some time living in a barn (the guy who ran the press had a mansion, but guest rooms were for GUESTS!) and I woke up one morning to find a large brown recluse in my mouth. I did not know that it was a brown recluse. I did not know…