THIS WOULD BE MY ACTUAL REACTION THO!

That’s just it, though. Hanging out with our friends doing what? Sharing time doing what? Between my job, my wife’s job, going to the gym, cleaning the house, taking care of the dogs, my hockey league, my soccer league, her kickboxing, etc., we don’t have a lot of free time as it is. Catching up with friends is…

A friend of mine was a very very young single mom, and one day, she calls me sobbing that the baby puked, and it was so bad, she puked on the baby.

Aliens are observing a planet of grown adults watching a child dance to “grind up on him girl, show him how you ride it”

Get new friends.

In my college years I was broke, and made very little money my first couple years after college. My one buddy was into going to clubs, eating at good restaurants, all that. He had a job “off the books” and was apparently making a fortune. I was just honest and said “Dude, I can’t afford any of this”, and he was all “I…

That’s a lot of words for what can be said with:

Here is what I do... keep in mind I am late 30s, single dad who is doing all he can to stay afloat... I have come to realize your real friends wont give a fuck how much money you have... from just a few drinks, to a trip to the Oregon coast... real friends cover your ass. If have had a lot of acquaintances come and…

Secretly steal things from their homes when you visit them. DVDs, jewelry, etc. The finances will start to even out in the long run.

Whenever your friends suggest an activity that requires a lot of money being spent, suggest something else. If they want to go to a night club, suggest a movie night at home. If they want to go to a ball game, suggest a nice nature hike instead. If they want to go on a trip abroad, suggest spending a long weekend in…

Huh, I was hoping it was Jenny Sanford, living off alimony and making cows heads as a comment about “cuckolding” and “hiking trips.” But, of course, Mark Sanford was the one who was unfaithful, and they divorced subsequently. Still, vengeful paper mache (or dioramas, pick your poison) is better than becoming a handbag…

ugh. there’s nothing more paradoxical than an “art thesis”

Or he can just put it in me and let me have his baby here back in the states. Because that ginger is foine.

I don’t think it would take much to abstain from sex until he was cleared of Zika, no?

My wife has frozen out my sperm for years!!! Da-dum! I’lI be here all week! Actually, I’ll be in Rio swimming in their wonderful shit filled beaches and trying to avoid being kidnapped and having my organs harvested. That’s a lie. I’m lying. Take my liver, please! No seriously take it. I need a new one. Lots of drugs…

I find him incredibly attractive.

It's cute for the 4 minutes or so, but musical theatre people can only be withstood for so long before one wants to scoot away to a far, far part of the house and hide on top of the fridge like a spooked cat. (Yes, I know many of them, I grew up with musical soundtracks around the house, even had "actor" (community,…

I hear what you’re saying but...

Always worth noting that Corden has a Tony for this.

this was delightful and anyone that disagrees is grossly wrong and should never speak to me again