Oh man, Harrison Ford voice.

Museum?

He’s essentially the Indiana Jones villain of baseball. That thing belongs in a museum.

If you go to his website, his other big hobby is a rubber band ball. All his books he has written, are also about balls. I think he has a problem.

Holy shit. This guy charges people $500 to go to a game with him and he guarantees them a ball. FIVE. HUNDRED. DOLLARS. And people apparently pay for this service. I won’t link to his website because I don’t want him getting more business, but you can find it on his Twitter.

If you get stressed out by the existence of little kids trying to shag baseballs at batting practice, you’re doing it wrong. Grow up, man.

NOOB

What might make you think he wanted that MVP award?

‘The Cavs would have *really* sucked without Lebron’ isn’t much of a case.

I disagree that it will never happen again. The guys who voted for Iggy were the old guard; the up-and-coming generation (ie Zach Lowe) voted for LeBron.

I think he deserves it in a perfect world, but he’d be beyond annoyed if he won the award and had to go up there in the midst of the Warriors celebration to get a trophy telling him he was the sum total of the entire Cavs offense. Seems like a mercy to not bother him more.

Furthermore, is it really breaking into a house if all you do is correctly guess where they keep the spare key?

Cardinal fan
better keep your head
Can’t ignore
what the NYTimes said
Federal charges
gonna come at last
Now your smugness
is fueling laughs
Cardinal fan

You don’t want to spoil a game from 1997. And no less one of the most talked about plot points of all time.

No. That would shatter the entire plot and completely devalue that character. It’s as necessary a component now as it was then.

Is it really a “hack” when you put in the dude’s pet’s name. I mean I guess it is but in that case I had to hack my dead mother’s entire life right after she died. Fuck the Cardinals but it just seems like we need a better word for this... kind of like guessing correctly.

Is it wrong that I feel the need to masturbate every time that a new update comes out about this story? I’ve never been aroused by schadenfreude before.

@TZNJoe: Meh. You're still a creepy douche.

@TZNJoe: i fucked a girl that was in campusgirlsusa. another one went to my high school. that's all i got. you're all creepy for commenting this much - it's some chick that was sitting in the sidelines of a basketball game. big deal. this is when i don't like deadspin very much.