As a fake internet attorney, let me preemptively address the knotty legal arguments from those who would ask “What about his right to free speech?”: Shut the fuck up you fucking idiot

But, are you really “stuck”? Do you really “need” to watch TV?

we call this the acceptance phase

If you’re so firmly conservative that your mind goes immediately to “ESPN’s liberal agenda is killing them!”, you are likely a strong supporter of Fox News. If you have Fox News, you have cable. And if you have cable...you’re paying ESPN like $80 a year even if you never touch the channel.

Before choosing to watch my favorite team on television, I, like most sports fans, apply a strict political litmus test on the ideological philosophy of the network broadcasting the game.

Imagine taking (Tom) Brady’s intellect... and putting it on a guy with Cam Newton’s body.

Imagine a player with the head of a very smart kind of elephant and the body of, well, also an elephant but FAST! Now imagine a man who is half goat and he has hooks for hands. That’s crazy! Why not? Why can’t I have hooks for hands and live in the sewer? I’m just saying there’s no real reason why not. Cam Newton. Tom…

Also, sun is hot.  

yeah. when you really think about it, one died in prison and the other one won a super bowl

In the last 24 hours, the Celtics went down 0-2 to a laughable Bulls team, Aaron Hernandez committed suicide, and Gronk yukked it up with a propaganda minister nobody respects.

So you’re saying that girl in the jacket got Rizzo’s dong wet...?

To be fair, it was a very stupid question. Do you really think Donald Trump watches hockey after what happened to his favorite team 37 years ago?

keeping the good times goink

And that’s why they get the negotiated split of the vast majority of other revenue streams.

Holocaust centers.

Zero, you would be charged with assault if they decided to charge you.

This video should be shown to libertarians, followed by “this is what happens when corporations are no longer ‘tied down’ by government.”

It makes you wonder what protection you’d have legally if you’d jumped in to help this guy being assaulted by non-cops. I’m guessing none.

This makes United seem almost unbelievably incompetent. Why were people allowed to board if they knew not all of them were going to be on the plane? Denying someone boarding is way easier than asking someone who’s sitting down to get off.