As a fake internet attorney, let me preemptively address the knotty legal arguments from those who would ask “What about his right to free speech?”: Shut the fuck up you fucking idiot

But, are you really “stuck”? Do you really “need” to watch TV?

we call this the acceptance phase

If you’re so firmly conservative that your mind goes immediately to “ESPN’s liberal agenda is killing them!”, you are likely a strong supporter of Fox News. If you have Fox News, you have cable. And if you have cable...you’re paying ESPN like $80 a year even if you never touch the channel.

Before choosing to watch my favorite team on television, I, like most sports fans, apply a strict political litmus test on the ideological philosophy of the network broadcasting the game.

Imagine taking (Tom) Brady’s intellect... and putting it on a guy with Cam Newton’s body.

Imagine a player with the head of a very smart kind of elephant and the body of, well, also an elephant but FAST! Now imagine a man who is half goat and he has hooks for hands. That’s crazy! Why not? Why can’t I have hooks for hands and live in the sewer? I’m just saying there’s no real reason why not. Cam Newton. Tom…

Also, sun is hot.  

yeah. when you really think about it, one died in prison and the other one won a super bowl

In the last 24 hours, the Celtics went down 0-2 to a laughable Bulls team, Aaron Hernandez committed suicide, and Gronk yukked it up with a propaganda minister nobody respects.

So you’re saying that girl in the jacket got Rizzo’s dong wet...?

To be fair, it was a very stupid question. Do you really think Donald Trump watches hockey after what happened to his favorite team 37 years ago?

keeping the good times goink

And that’s why they get the negotiated split of the vast majority of other revenue streams.

Holocaust centers.

Just a bunch more American billionaires looking to let Russia win.

I admire Pence for coming up with this common sense solution to a very real problem.

“take off ur cardigan... take off ur second cardigan”

If Mark Davis doesn’t want fans to be overwhelmed at the new stadium, he should insist on a simple bowl design.

Chicago, Chicago, and Chicago.