Making $3,450 is a phenomenal reason to stop being a Knicks fan. 

It definitely is a shit story, but the reader submitted before it the shitting part.

Right?! After I read the set up about 3+ day old sushi, I was expecting this guy to shit out internal organs, not think he invented the tuna tower.

That email definitely seems like a prequel to the next Email of the Week, where we find out that microwaving sushi leads to the evolution of a Shitzilla in your large intestine that demolishes your organs like they’re Tokyo skyscrapers.

Dude, that guy dies about three hours after hitting send when all the parasitic worms come out through a new second bellybutton. 

If I’m “triggered” because I told you to fuck off in one post, what the hell do you call your trolling people who discuss their fantasy teams? And FYI I’m WAY the hell out of high school and also have much more important/interesting things going on in my life...is everything you discuss online only the most…

Best way to show how little you care about something is to ignore it and move on. Some people who play in fantasy football leagues enjoy discussing potential moves with others in the same boat. If you don’t like it, move the fuck on.

Shit, I have first pick coming up tonight and I’m entirely unsure of what to do. I am still a little shell shocked from having the first pick last year and blowing it on David Johnson (although as luck would have it I grabbed Gurley at the end of round 2 and rode him to the playoffs). I’m leaning Gurley, with the “new…

The first pick is tough this year, IMO. Do you go Gurley, who had a great year, followed by a shit year, followed by a great year. Or do you go with Bell, who has been consistently great since coming into the league, but hasn’t practiced at all and has yet to sign his franchise tender. 

so i was gunna train today but i ripped my nutsack in half. im bout to get stitched up. i was holdn a board over my head with a drill n my pants. i was sizin up the board n the drill went off n tangled my nuts up n it. i dropped the board and reversed the drill and untangled my nutsack but they was ripped n half. im…

I’m 6'0, but I prefer a low bowl, too. I think it’s basically the principle of the Squatty Potty; a lower bowl provides a better squatting form, and an easier flow. Whenever George talks about feeling like a gargoyle on that Seinfeld episode, I’m always thinking, “Better in theory than execution.”

“Don’t forget you heard it here first 18,534th, folks...”

This is my favorite

Classic Jessica.

Story 2: My wife’s family had a pizzeria that I’d often swing by on the weekend for a slice or two while running errands. She was working that day and brought me two 2 slices, which I proceeded to drown in parm cheese and pepper flakes. While eating, I rub my eye and within seconds, it starts to burn worse than I’ve…

Story 1: I was about 15 and helping my next door neighbor dig out a fence post. The shovel was on the ground and I thought I’d be smooth and step on the spade and grab the handle as it popped up. I missed the handle and it hit me clear in the cheekbone under my left eye, cutting me open.

Judging by my limited exposure to soccer, I have one question. How many games is Asad expected to miss?

Now pretend you’re trying to suck that watermelon through the water hose.

Always Kobe flinching truthers...

Obligatory: