Yes, well, he's never been much of one for doing anything intelligent.

I'm sorry, it almost sounds like you're describing Ryan Hardy. I'll assure you that I was very much given tenure on the basis of my talents, and not because I had to resort to such base measures as threatening the Dean or any other such actions.

I do appreciate this. I find I have to lower the overall intelligence level of my public speaking to suit not only the general audience, but those against whom I am pitted each week. Could you imagine if I used a word of more than three syllables around Ryan Hardy? Why, he'd walk into a door or three in disorientation…

Enjoy, my dear. Walking by the editing bay during the filming of this episode I couldn't help but notice they included one of my most fearsome endeavours. I hope it shall be suitably upsetting to the delicate ones at home, lapping up the violence week after week. Soon, soon they shall be inured to the horror and my…

You find the good doctor embarrassing? I don't understand.

Ah, Dr. Lecter. He and I have had quite a few pleasant dinners whilst sharing our conquests. I too hold your belief that he could remove me from this world with little effort; however, I believe he sees me as a colleague and would thus do no such thing unless provoked, and, believe me, I have no desire to provoke one…

Well, no. Of course I don't. I don't have the vulgar sexual urges of most serial murderers, thank whatever nonexistent deity you choose.

Acting on this show takes its toll on me, too, you know. I'm only human. I can't put up with this shit on a daily basis without aid. If it's tequila - and it's actually cheap vodka, thank you - then so be it. At least I'm a serial killer whose exploits are being eaten up by millions every week.

If they didn't insist on making that dim bulb Ryan Hardy the "hero," the quality of the show wouldn't be an issue. I am perpetually disappointed with the writers of this program.

In the words of your beloved Pierce Hawthorne, "I'll kill you."

I think it makes me look sophisticated. And it keeps me warm in the winter.

If I may indulge my ego for a moment - which is not something I am normally wont to do, I shall confess - I am quite disturbed by how much energy this show expends on the exploits of Ryan Hardy, while ignoring the much more interesting developments, both narratively and thematically, of my time in this woman's house.

How interesting that you should choose to use the phrase "opening you up…"

I shall do no such thing. It is the humour of commoners, by definition, if you weren't aware.

I will admit, I am flattered. As long as I would not be required to share a room with that awful fool Ryan Hardy, I would acquiesce.

A necessary concession to plebian humour. Forgive me.

I remember my time spent in the house that these scenes are based on. That woman, to be honest, was even more difficult and idiotic than are all the other women who seem to fall into my orbit. Frankly, even though I was quite grateful for the roof over my head, I must question the judgement of anyone who allows me…

Ah, excellent. Another hour of prime-time television devoted to my exploits! It warms my black, black heart. In what way shall the Federal Bureau of Investigation botch their search for me this time?

You cannot see me right now, but I am smirking in the same manner as the avatar that represents me.

Whoever I am? Not a very literate one, are you?