Wow you're an asshole. (I deduced that from context clues.)

If this Cosmo article were a person, I would kick it in the balls so fucking hard.

I'm pretty sure I fell asleep in the shower this morning for like 2-3 seconds. Luckily I am not dead as a result but any day now.

Tuxedo cats are the best cats.

And they have matching goblets! We have these. Ommegang is my favorite for ever and always. <3

Ha! I think our roommates would have been soulmates. My roommate would do the "you're so lucky" thing about money, too, because, coming from a family on public assistance, I had a generous financial aid package (though, like yours, it included both work and loans), while her family, which was literally worth millions,…

Poop is important! My husband printed out the Bristol (I think it's called that?) poop chart, which catalogues the seven different types of poop (with illustrations) and what they mean for your health, and taped it over the toilet at his work. 1 is the most firm and solid and 7 is entirely liquid. Now when there's…

To anyone scrolling by: Read it, even though it's long.

Haha! A roommate I had in college and for my first year out of college was a huge pathological liar. It became too much and I had to end the friendship and move out, but here were some of my favorites from her:

My ex husband, who failed 11 court ordered drug tests in a row: "I removed all of the money from the kids' savings accounts (in $100 cash withdrawals at a time) to protect it from you."

When I was online dating, one time, a guy contacted me but his profile didn't have any clear photos of his face (all of them were from a distance or showed his back or didn't have him in it.) So I asked for a face picture and he finally said ok and sent me one. Of Clive Owen. I asked if this was a joke and he said no.…

Joke: How can you tell someone is vegan?

That's what my gynecologist said to me.

I-thought he kind of did? Wasn't he the one who acknowledged that his ancestors were slave owners, which is why his mother encouraged him not to use his actual last name? I thought he said in the same article that 12 Years A Slave was his attempt to address his family's history?

i would look like this in that outfit.

I once got a fortune that said, "Your friends don't really like you." What the hell, fortune cookie!

Yes, maybe male comedians get heckled, but is it directly related to their sex, or sexuality? Probably not as often as women get sexual innuendos or jokes. I mean, "Show us your balls!" probably isn't as common...

Maybe I'm being too generous, but I feel like he was using the "let's find a new word for feminism / wouldn't call myself a feminist" thing as just the hook for the speech.

Disclaimer: If you like the New Yorker, you will probably hate this essay; if you like Thought Catalog, you will probably like this essay.