I would normally post a Mitch Hedberg quote, but I don’t have the heart to do it today. I just found out I got laid off. Everyone have a nice day.

I’ve heard that he cannot palm a golf ball.

Si.

That guy died.

There are really no words left to describe Usain Bolt as watching him in that last relay was just astonishing. I can’t imagine who will be the next sport stars who will take over as the face of track and field after him, but I am looking forward to finding out.

What the fuck are you doin Phil

“The single worst thing that has ever happened to an Armenian”

The joke wasn’t funny the first time.

Editor’s notes:

+1 roast beef sandwich

Thanks Pete.

You’d think the mayor would appreciate somebody who didn’t dwell on Rio’s problems.

So... Nobody is gonna report on Zeke’s claim that he has evidence in the form of text messages where she threatens to ruin him for breaking up with her? Or how 4 other witnesses are contradicting her allegations? Or Zeke’s claim that she suffered the injuries shown in the photos as a result of a bar fight? Or how her…

I’m sure it was eclectic, rustic, fun, casual, and intimate.

I want to be on record as saying that as a Cards fan, I was making fun of the ‘best fans in baseball’ long before any fuckers on Deadspin were. I remember being in middle school, turning to my Dad as the Cardinals fan gave another curtain call for some meaningless home run, and saying, “Dad, it’s almost like Cardinals…

Uh, nope. This Cards team is firmly mediocre.

If you don't vote for doormat salesman, fuck you.

Hat guy has been trying to catch a foul ball for years but safari can’t manage to get one.

“Shot heard round the ring!”

Our primary objective is to convert all biomass into one continuous sports complex that wraps the globe in fields and bleachers and box seats and concourses and slab concrete tunnels and hyper modern locker rooms where the walls, ceillings, and floors are coated in synthetic skin bio-engineered from the DNA of famous…