Well Prince George shook Obama’s hand very nicely... Ooh burn!

See you tomorrow!

That’s not exactly the complete narrative of this mess, but whatever you need to tell yourself to continue this martyr complex thing you have going on...

I go through this as well...

I have had 2 accidents because of unsecured cargo. The first involved a very young boy driving a gate-less pick up truck. He had five sheets of metal held down by cinder blocks and was driving way beyond the speed limit. Major damage to the car that was passing in the other direction. My car ended up with a tiny ding…

Ouch. I have something similar: Guy I was sleeping with regularly in college gets a facebook, friends me, and then maybe a few days later puts up “___ is in a relationship.” I was so over the moon excited, telling my best friend... I see him that same night, and he’s definitely not talking about me.

Preface: I rarely watch porn. Or, I should say, I rarely watched porn. Now I don’t do it at all.

My father walked in on me masturbating, luckily for me he is now dead so no one but I now know it ever happened.

I was riding my big wheel through a hotel my dad was looking after during off season(so he could write a book) and i came up to a room, where i shit you not, some guy in a dog suit was giving head to another guy. they both became aware of my presence and i fled. this was the 80s, before furries, mind you.

Someone I was sort of dating in college, and who I thought I was madly in love with, sent ‘me’ a very romantic email. I was like “it’s happening! he loves me too!” and then I noticed that he had addressed it to another woman’s name. Huge heartbreaker.

When I was a senior in high school we took a school trip to France where we stayed in homestays with French high school students whom we had occasionally emailed over the course of a year. Mine was very sweet, but was evidently a bit of an outcast at her school. All of the other French kids with their American…

I broke into my parents room at age 5 along with my little sister, aged 4, because my mom was moaning and I was afraid she was being murdered. The hidden Gryffindor in us came out and we were so prepared to fight off all the intruders.

Seeing through the window - a man shaving my aunt’s vag. It was messed up. I was young. Naturally, it’s burned into my memory...

You’d think it would be awesome, but I spend every second of like an hour-long trip fearing for my life.

Mind you this was in Mexico so the roads were not good to begin with, and the driver was worried that if someone saw us riding in the car that he’d be fired, so he made us lay down in the seats so we wouldn’t be…

Have you not seen Death Bed: The Bed That Eats? You’ll never sleep on a mattress again.

I was a nerd with an igloo lunchbox bc my mom wanted to be sure I had no friends, and have a handy tool nearby should I ever need to club another child to death.

As a musician, my fellow performers have bought extra tickets for their beloved instruments since commercial air travel started.

My sister’s MIL at one point never failed to show up unless in the company of Michael- a large, homemade African American Cabbage Patch-style doll who dated from when my BIL was a tot. Michael would travel, strapped in, in the front seat of the car, wearing clothes that my MIL would then put on my nephews. She would…

I think Jennifer is the true PR master. She manages to be the faultless nice one, even though she long-term dated garbage John Mayer, and is beasties with garbage Chelsea Handler.

Lush makes this stuff called “body conditioners” that you’re supposed to slap on in the shower and rinse off. They are, however, *obscenely* expensive, especially at American prices, and to use them as directed means I’d get 4-5 uses out of them max for a small pot that costs $30+.