Some flights will give you free zip ties but you have to be really demanding to get them

Well, I’ve never been afraid to speak my mind. Under a ridiculous pseudonym. In a virtual place where literally nothing is at stake. I don’t use the word “hero” often, but I consider myself the greatest hero in the history of America. (If America is, indeed, where I am from.)

Per law, the dogs are required to use the bathroom that corresponds to their breed identity at birth. Which, for most breeds, is anywhere they damn well please.

you read Deadspin and are statistically most likely to be an irritable dad with a law degree

“Tell ‘em Large Marge sent ya!”

Listen, I’m not saying this will get Dee off the hook. But if pop for Clostebol, you might as well go out looking like a champ. So here’s your excuse. You’re welcome.

“I took him to Skyline Chili of all places and he didn't say a word. So long story short, Peter King will literally eat shit if you make him."

“I see you aren’t using a Microsoft Surface. That’ll be 4 games.”

Blink-182 had the same problem, if I remember correctly.

Maybe he’s 29 in American years, which, with the current exchange rate, works out to 17 in Canadian years.

Also of note, walking four times sets a one-day record for people who live in Ohio.

Tiger: [sheepishly walks up to hot babe]

What’s so scary, Barry? If he goes off the edge he’s just going to hover.

I don't see how he can say he's "doing fine" he's wearing an adjustable hat backwards.

Lucky there was a tall guy to get the ball out of the rim. Otherwise, they’d have to borrow someone’s ball to knock it out.

Ah there it is. The wristband truther. That is fucking amazing.

Big deal. When I was five years old I literally jumped over the rim, shit through it mid jump, and landed on a waiting donkey. The skid marks on his back lent him the nickname of "zebra" for the rest of his life.

Who Gat

Tyler: Mom, I know I disappointed you with this embarrassing scandal.

“Like the semi-sash look, work on it.”