I would have stuck my fingers in my vagina and painted fuck you with period blood on the wall, but I'm an animal.

The silvery, sultry, steely-eyed older version of Christopher Plummer ain't too shabby either.

MINE TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Slightly related: my parents went to see "The Sound of Music" on their first date.

YOU SPELLED HIS NAME WRONG

Oh my god. My friend fucked Norm McDonald for a while, and told me he only had one ball.

Me: Are you kidding me?
Her: It's true! I saw it with my own mouth.

I saw him die one on stage at a local college. He was 2 hours late to thegig and just DIED out there. It was riveting.

No comment on your story, but love your screen-name. Unless you actually ARE a smart-ass manservant with little self-control while drinking...

Norm McDonald is a dick. You dodged a bullet.

This guy in the white. Because he was on the White Sox roster until he fought with the coach. He got caught with meth last year. He couldn't sleep without drinking till he passed out. Damn I was a dumb 18 year old, lol. Then I slept with his hot Venezuelan teammate (above) so win?

I refuse to believe that.

When my doctor removed my Paragard, I was like, how bad is this gonna hurt? And she reminded me that cervixes want things to come out of them and that it would be easy. And she yanked and I was like, I feel something, is that it? And she held it up in the air and said, "yep! Here's Mr. T!"

"Sign me right the fuck up. Not only are oatmeal-raisin cookies delicious while lulling you into a false comfort that you're eating something healthy (haters to the left), but yogurt chunks make anything better. I am ashamed to admit that when I had a hamster, I would sometimes eat her yogurt chunks because they were…

Seriously, this Gaston is the best. (Sounds like the same guy, at least.)

These guys are just nuts, there is no reason for them to be so teste.

This is because John Oliver has never experienced my NYE Power Hour, containing 60 of the year's hottest songs, spliced together one minute at a time for your binge drinking pleasure.

When I know I'm going to be home alone, I open the shower curtain ahead of time so I don't have to worry about checking it later.

the problem with people is that they assume the standards and practices in their family are common to all families. Maybe her family has a sense of humor

A little off topic but one of my favorite memories of my dad overlap this topic and time of year.