Which I was only bringing in the doctor’s wig, and now you’ve gone and messed your second best coat for all love.

Amazingly enough, no, though if I hadn’t already, I would have, just for your comment. This series brings me such joy, it’s hard not to encourage every other living soul to start reading them and never stop, which is clearly what every other person who has read them seems to say, too! Wittles is up! Toasted cheese and…

You rang....

My Himself and I have been together long enough that we have decided to get married, he just hasn’t bought a ring yet, so apparently it’s not “official” to onlookers and passers-by. Whatever. Whenever any of my totally tactful friends asks him what’s up, he always says “she [I] hasn’t asked me yet.” Well, Manfriend…

What if she jumped into a gorge? She would be utterly alone, otherwise...

In the same vein: my mom once called my Dad at his office to tell him about the funny thing she did. She was laughing too hard and couldn’t spit it out. She had to hand the phone to one of her sisters so she could explain. Mom had read “misled” out loud as a word that rhymes with “sidled.” It was so funny to her she…

Manfriend and I had just moved in together and ventured out to Ikea to get new necessaries. After a smooth trip throught he store, I waited in front of Ikea with a boxed-up dresser while manfriend went to retrieve the truck from the parking garage. I begin to hear incessantly increasing honking from the garage, and…

Watched both parents waste away before I turned thirty... But go ahead and feel irked. I acknowledged the intelligence in the research community and the funding issue (read “money exists” as “there is the money literally in the world, but it isn’t going to the the fabulous research to which it should be it the amounts…

Why can’t we do this yet?! Why haven’t we fixed this?! COME ON! I believe that the smarts are there, the money exists, SOMEBODY FUCKING KILL CANCER.

At the tender age of four, I bragged to my parents that I knew what "the A-word" was. "What is it?" They asked, smirking at their know-it-all daughter. "Ass!" I said. "Well, what's the B-word?" They asked. "Bitch!" "And the S-word?" "Shit," I whispered, getting nervous. "The F-word?" "Fuck," I said very quietly,…

Similarly, I imagined our Christmas trees and Halloween pumpkins had feelings, to the point where I refused to carve my pumpkin. One year, a few days after Halloween we were trundling along in my Dad's yellow VW van and he saw a mess of pumpkins smashed in the street. "Oh no, dearie!" He shouted gleefully. "Cover…

We're the geniuses who know ice cream cakes are the best White Elephant gift. Write "only this side up" on the package, spark curiosity, it's opened, there's the war for control, but ultimately, it must be eaten. EVERYONE WINS.

It can't be said enough: NDeGT fucking gets it.

"You have my Vespa!" - me, as Aragorn, offering Frodo his sword.

Hahahaha I think it would only have been good for the story to tell, afterwards. Totally devastating in every other respect. I was a cocktail waitress at a comedy club for a number of years and one weekend he was headlining and he just kept tracking me around the room, before shows, during other acts, after the show.…

Oh, jackpot. There's glory for you!

Also, almost Norm McDonald, but I know because I didn't go through with it, I'm DQ'd. Just want to throw a shout-out to the friend who said "don't. You'll be embarrassed after."

The server at the local brew-pub restaurant thingy. He was a handsome douche in chiropractor school and my friends and I all flirted with him whenever we went in. He couldn't tell my twin sister and I apart, but I fucked him in his stupid jeep anyways. Blech.

As a lady, I can attest to the unbelievable amount of blood an over-zealous ankle shave can produce.

Oddly enough, John Oliver is the one who made me love going out on NYE. He was the NYE headliner for the comedy club where I cocktailed a few years in a row. I suppose the copious amounts of free booze and drugs didn't hurt either.