As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic bear. He was lying on his furry, as it were hirsute, back and when he lifted his head a little he could see his formerly bald belly now covered with brown hair on top of which the bed quilt could hardly keep in…

Ashley, I wish I could explain why this needed to happen. Just know, this needed to happen.

Thank you for reminding me of this. Because I am not mature, I just pulled it on my daughter and blamed you. :P

Counterpoint: Science tells us she’s made of sugar and spice and everything nice.

In all fairness to Gohmert, he would know.

But special needs candidates need the most attention of all!

Hell, I may not always agree with Hillary, but she’s got the best damn resume of any profoundly mentally impaired woman I’ve ever seen.

TRUE TO YOUR NAME, PREDATRIX, YOU HAVE SHARP EYES!

I feel like it would turn my boobs into two disobedient obese housecats who keep running off into inconvenient directions when I need them to sit still.

Where is the pocket for my snacks tho?

Fournier: Fucking Funicular Fails, Fouls Foriegners’ Furlough; Follow-up Friday

Everyone knows the 13 stripes stand for:

For those at work, I have the transcript:

Wi nøt trei a høliday in Sweden this yër? See the løveli lakes The wøndërful telephøne system And mäni interesting furry animals!

Cheeto Benito*

Ah!! that improved my day immeasurably.

Yeah, this is why I need to stick to my day job and let experts like Donald Trump handle things.

Look, I’m always gonna celebrate the death of innocence!

Well, they both spend a lot of time talking about walls.

Oh, Lord. I think you are right. That is not a good sign.