The money quote:

But I love you for it, because I laughed my ass off!

“Brie Larson also runs like somebody who learned by having someone describe it to her.”

My wife said the same exact thing.  It's so uncomfortable to watch. 

Your description of her running style is spot on. I kept thinking, “Did she just polish her toenails or something?” Her full-tilt pursuit gait was very odd. I thought things mostly came together in the third act. I liked the stuff with Marie and Monica... but it’s true. She looked like she was always asking, “Do I…

Substitute Teacher is for fascist women what Reserve Police Officer is for fascist men. For when you’re too lazy to bully and oppress full time.

Dude up until like 6th grade there was no way you could convince me it was fake...

They invited him, but he declined on the grounds of being too busy making fuck.

https://xkcd.com/37/

1. Because they’re black

Also why the fuck do we need Jaden Smith to do this instead of the fucking government!?!? I'm thinking it might be racism.

‘Mercenary Chef is engaged to a black woman. She even has a big booty.’

He even has facial hair everybody! That means he’s EXTRA black.

“He even has facial hair” made me laugh A LOT harder than it should have. 

The beard comment leaves me confused too! So beards are a Blackness amplifier? Is it additive or multiplicative? Because if it’s additive, a White person (0-Black) + beard would = at least a little Black. But if it’s multiplicative, a 0-Black person x beard would still = 0-Black. Does quality of the beard matter? I…

I feel sorry for my wife if Sean Hannity is sent to prison somehow for his role in all of this. She will never be able to make me cum as hard as I will the day he’s sentenced.

I’ll admit this: I love men’s cologne. Love it! From Old Spice and Drakkar to the expensive Bleu and almost all the other designer fragrances. I can’t really name a men’s cologne I don’t like. If I smell it, I’m drawn toward the source. If, dear Lord, the source has a fresh haircut, lined up beard, really nice, smooth…

I (black) was sitting in a coworkers (black) office when another coworker (white)walked in. She’s standing next to me and goes “oh your hair is so pretty” as she’s reaching over to stick her whole hand IN MY HEAD! I hit the matrix on her and told her “don’t touch me” very forcefully.

when you feel superior to another person, you feel free to touch them without permission

Yes. I used to have long hair that I wore in a single braid, and white men (and a couple of latino and black men) felt very free about pawing at it. My theory is that when you feel superior to another person, you feel free to touch them without permission.