Only if you can prove this bunch can read at a 3rd-grade level, write their names instead of making an “X,” and have bellies that weigh less than 300 pounds and can see their feet without falling over.

I have to say, I love the locked-in salary and part-time status.

Forgot to add. After shitting pants for the tenth time every day drinking and popping Viagra in the hopes of getting a semi-erection (still doesn’t work though), arm-chair militiaman finally stumbles to bathroom and dry heaves to the sounds of “God Bless the USA!”

Three Weeks Later: Jezebel is sorry to announce that Jia has died due to shitting her entire digestive system out of her body.

Don’t worry, one of the clowns will say it later.

Ah. I see the arm-chair militia rising out of their Lazy-Boy to get another beer and frozen burrito, masturbate to Fox News, and check their Daisy BB guns before collapsing back into the easy chair draped with the flag and autographed photos of Jesus.

Nope. People die everyday. Wearing a uniform doesn’t make it anymore tragic nor cause for making heroes out of the dead.

Nope.

“OMG!. If Chipotle closes for three hours my toilet-paper and Kaopectate stocks will crash!”

When military helicopters collide in mid-air there’s only one thing to do — Bomb Iran!

“Can I still cash in on David Bowie? I hope so!”

What? No pockets for shotgun shells, bad heroin, penicillin, and herpes lipstick?

Only Dead American Military are Heroes! I’m surprised this group wasn’t immediately shot after being returned as traitors for giving aid and comfort to the enemies of ‘Murica, McCain, and Netanyahu.

I’d read the book, so it wasn’t too much I’d already heard, but it was definitely interesting to see all the weird Scientology speeches and events. But it was still a great documentary for people who’ve only heard a little bit about the various abuses and oddities that Scientology perpetrated over the years, or just…

“I think that bag would look great over my face! It’s big enough to get my feed bag underneath and still have room for a bale of straw.”

So gross. I don’t know why you would want to associate with people like that. 1) You’re a famous, good looking woman. What if he wants to have sex with you or make you his mistress forever? You can’t say no, how do you say no. What if he made her sleep with him? You can’t say no. And for him it’d be the best…

Yep, bitch is pretty fucking gross. I’m not sure many tears will be shed if the Sinaloa cartel treats her like they have thousands and thousands of other Mexicans.

She is so full of shit. The way she praises him and kisses his ass in those texts is the number one reason why they became friends. She wrote him a public letter on Twitter a few years ago asking him to “traffic with love” and help poor people in Mexico (he’s known for doing charity work in the state of Sinaloa).…