What's an Applebees, and does it hurt?

And it wasn't dead yet.

I just took a Trader Joe's pizza out of the oven. You might be picking up on that.

The last few articles have all been Barsanti. Poor little fella. Is he the only one on duty tonight?

Related topic: Donald Trump was just reported to be choking to death on a piece of chicken.

Pictured: The bastard love-child of Peter Jackson and Guillermo del Toro.

Well, see now that you've said that, my natural, contrarian side is kicking in…

Canadian pennies…

Symbolic victories on behalf of the unfortunate are more important than actually improving their lot in life. Where have you been for the last forty years?

Possibly not the venue to bring up this random observation [but]: judging by her arm hair, there was a lot of static electricity being generated by something when that photo was taken.

Clairement, vous n'aviez jamais habité en France.

Wait a second…

I always wear my sunglasses at night so I can keep track of the visions in my head.

You deserve a Star Wars-esque medals ceremony in honor of that pun.

*frightened accordion sound*

Wait, she schtuped Weird Al?!

Bob Hope?! Now I'm even more confused!

Wait, what does the S stand for?

I'd rather watch a sitcom based on Naked Lunch than anything on CBS.

As a heterosexual male, being a lesbian just makes complete sense.