I thought the first words spoken in Houston were "thank God we're not in Dallas right now"?

Don't get your Sam Barsantis in a bunch!

Well on the other hand, he couldn't figure out that he had to put down the duckie if he wanted to play the saxophone.

I know. We're going to miss his attention to detail when Kinja comes along.

Well, Ernie from Sesame Street doesn't want to live there.

Related Fact: Covfefe is not how Japanese people pronounce the word "Coffee", it turns out.

Brad Pitts are headed into space?

Oh, what we'll do is build it onto the underside of a bridge, and then float a snow covered barge underneath Mrs. Jenkins, so we can save money by not having to build a dedicated superstructure!

There's one built in, if you swipe upward on the main desktop.

I think that you've pushed the envelope about as far as it can go.

That's a thing?! I gotta get married/be able to afford carpets/getting married!

If we build some sort of programmable dual-axis carriage with a harness that she can sit in, she could.

So, if you wanted, you could duct-tape all the rugs the house to your body, and get the wife to knock the dust and road sand out of them?

I joke about not reading the articles, but really?

Sure, it surpassed Mamma Mia, but did this film feature Pierce Brosnan making everyone really embarrassed and uncomfortable?

Or, failing that, Martin Short.

If you really want to pander to rural Northeasterners; three words: Federally Subsidized Snowblowers.

Fear and Loathing in Glastonbury

In fairness, who'd really want to go to D.C. unless they had to? It's like the world's shitest children's museum.

Chicago Manual of Style, motha'fucka'.