I love you. Let’s form a club. Everytime I see the whole “I went make-up free for one week!” Buzzfeed shit I just furrow my brows. Bitch that is my LIFE. I’d like to say it’s all being a strong feminist woman and refusing to bow to society’s beauty standards. But mostly, I like waking up 15 minutes before I gotta…

I gave up high heels 5 years ago and have never looked back. I don’t even wear makeup because mascara and eyeshadow painfully dry out my eyes. I am angrily anti-pain!

“Of sorts”?

This is giving me flashbacks to when my brother got us temporarily banned from aol for scrolling in a chatroom (among othet things). They used to have a three strike rule. We couldn’t get online! I cried for days, all my friends were on the internet. They thought I had died.

You all suck. This is more upsetting to me than if my own parents broke up.

I had an idiot of a freshman roommate who was both horrible with technology and also hoping to be a doctor who ferociously argued with me that everything on CSI could be done in real life. I was not an expert in medicine or forensics, but I did know photoshop, and could determine that a few quick clicks couldn’t…

Beautiful people depressed in a beautiful house, I will go see the fuck out of this. Thank you Angelina!

He’s like Cumberbatch’s weird older brother.

Pizza Ranch.

I was horrified they were tiny mass-produced pancakes. They look terrible.

I just tug on my husband’s sleeve and go “dog...puppy...dog!”

I have to repeatedly tell my husband that we will NOT eat our dog in case of a zombie apocalypse. 1.) I will train him to hunt squirrels and small game for sustenance and 2.) he weighs like 15 and is bony, like no protein anyway. The anemic will inherit the earth because they’re not worth eating.

I once went to a hotel IN THE US where there was a legionniares outbreak...I had to google it. We had a free room from a time share scam so we had to go! But I was scared of the showers the entire time.

Aghhh how am I still in the greys Jezebel.

I have never once in my life felt anxiety over pooping in a public stall. It is a bathroom. Where people poop. That’s what it’s for!

Every year for most of my childhood I would go to church camp for a week in the summer. My friend was with me most of the time as they did weeks by age groups.

I hated Jurassic World - not because it was the worst movie (it had entertaining parts) but because of its mediocrity in the face of the original. My OTHER problem with Jurassic World was how miscast Bryce Dallas Howard was. She’s supposed to be CEO or Director or whatever, but at every crucial point she seems…

Alternatively: get on etsy and get reusable/washable swiffer heads in whatever funky pattern you want: https://www.etsy.com/listing/238269…

Um, sorry, but the Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter movies are some of my favorites. We can argue that they are bad...but I will counter that they are beautiful B-movie gems that will always keep me entertained. How can you not value this performance?