I know that, as a Jew and granddaughter of Holocaust survivors, what I really need in my life is to ride to work on nazi trains.

Yeah...

I know that for me, personally, it's coffee-stain beige and solipsism.

Yea but thanks for protecting us from the sight of women in panties!

Pantone color for 2015: Marsala

Well, great. Now the next time I bring a girl back to my place, she'll be like, "Ew, why did you decorate your apartment like the subway?"

Yeah, this post significantly lacks back story. You can't assume your audience has listened to every podcast and watched every documentary in existence, I'm not sure why you're getting flack, I had no idea what the author was talking about either.

All your evidence had been thoroughly discredited.

Yeah I was team ‘Jay is shady af’ for sure.

TEAM ‘JAY DID IT’

Phrenology. He’s got the sloping temples of a murderer.

ok we’re at the point where i think you’re kidding but i’m not actually sure.

Pardon me, your Highness.

For me the best sex usually doesn’t come with a staph infection.

See, this is the inherent problem with heterosexual hookups. You’re all hung up on “beds” and “Apartments”. Do your bars not have bathrooms?

Fucking TODAY, you guys. In my 10-year-old’s parent-teacher conference. She’s new to the school and keeps her friends at arm’s length because she seems to not want to “replace” her old friends back home. So we were talking to the teacher and guidance counselor, and I don’t have any friends here, either, so I got sad.…

Most embarrassing time I burst into tears: that one time I had a breakdown at the top of the leaning tower of Pisa, and instead of being helpful my family decided to laugh take pictures of me with the highly uncomfortable tour guide.

When I was in my first trimester with my daughter, my boss said something moderately critical to me at 8:30 a.m. and I proceeded to cry until about 3:00. I couldn’t stop. I splashed cold water on my face, I gave myself stern talking-tos in the ladies’ room. I even called my best friend and made her tell me jokes.…

I was 15 and my dad shaved his mustache - he’s had it ever since I was born. I saw that he had shaved it and burst into tears (lol). He let it grow back.